Repetition.

There's a friend that I have... his name is Dalit (I'm really not shy when it comes to posting names...).

I value my friendship with him, like how I value the friendship that I have with all of my friends.
Lately, when I try to talk to him, he doesn't say much.... And I feel like we haven't really talked in a week. Actually, we haven't had a nice conversation in about........ maybe 2 weeks? I saw him last Saturday since we had a test that day, but we didn't talk much. He didn't really say much to me and I was the one who had to initiate the conversation and break all of the awkward silences. And I'm quite terrible at that too........

It's been bothering me for quite some time now, but I let it slide because I had a butt load of things to do (Math Club drama, schoolwork, work, family, regular responsibilities, etc). I tried striking a conversation with him on Friday. I simply said, "Hi Dalit!"
He didn't respond, but I didn't pay much attention to it since I thought he was busy (and I was at work doing work things for once...). One of the students that I'm somewhat close to came in and saw that I was on chat. He started typing to Dalit and I was going to text Dalit to tell him that one of my students is talking to him, but I stopped because the student said that he told Dalit that I was going to text him. He also told Dalit that I'm lesbian, so I just went with it when the student left by saying, "You already knew I was lesbian anyway...." since Dalit told two of his friends that I was (and to clarify, I am not lesbian....).

And after my student left and I said that little tidbit, Dalit said, "Cool." I asked him what he was doing and he said he was talking to his cousins, so I left him alone.

But that conversation was bothering me the whole day. Hypothetically speaking, let's say that I actually did type that I was a lesbian and I actually came out of the closet. Would he just respond the same way that he did? Probably......... because I told him after he said, "Cool," that my student typed everything. And not only that, but a couple of days ago (I think it was the Saturday that we saw each other...), I told him I almost fell out of my chair. His response? "Nice."

So last night while I was lying in bed, I grabbed my phone and asked him if something was wrong. He said that nothing was and asked if there should be. I went on to say that I felt like we were drifting apart and that our conversations were "Blah." He responded, "... To be honest, I'm kinda getting tired of our convos and I'd rather do other things. But its nothing to be worried about. This happens with everybody that I have excessive contact with. it just seems like we always talk about the same things... Sorry if I upset you..." I told him that it was fine and that I valued his honesty. He asked if we were "good," and I said, "Sure."
But in all honesty, we're not. I'm not "good" about what he just said. I'm a bit upset and offended.
Why? Because the same crap happened between Macken and I. Things were going swell. And suddenly, he stopped talking to me. He gave me one word answers and sometimes wouldn't even answer me when I asked him questions. And when my grandpa passed away, he never checked on my well being. He knew that I was upset about it. I remember I just sat in his office once and put my head down on one of the desks. He didn't say anything; didn't ask anything. And that was just days after my grandpa's death. And the whole thing about him being there for me when I needed someone to talk to......... he never was. Although people told me that Macken seemed like a jerk, I said otherwise. I said, "No. He's actually a nice guy when it comes down to it... he's a good guy."

I stood up for him even though his actions were making me sad. Because I believed he was my friend. I believed that he valued our friendship as much as I valued it. Obviously I was wrong because nowadays, we're not even talking. We greet each other when we see each other, but that's almost about it. He still doesn't answer my questions like, "Hey. How many people signed up for the Integration Bee so far?" and this wasn't some offline message or something that was completely ridiculous. He was online and never answered. I left my computer on for the night, but got no reply in the morning. I got no text from him and when we saw each other, he said nothing. I also called him that day to tell him a message about the Integration Bee. He never called me back or texted me to ask what I said in the message, but he did ask me what I said when he saw me..... /end tangent

If the friendship I have with Dalit is anything like the one I had with Macken, then we're going to end like that. I gave Macken his space once before, but that just made us drift more apart. And here's something pretty ironic. One of my friends said that Dalit is just a "jerk" sometimes, and I said, "No he's not. He's a nice guy."

Things like to repeat themselves a lot......
But I'm honestly hoping that my friendship with Dalit doesn't end like how my friendship with Macken did.........

Bubbly

I haven't felt so... happy like this in a long while.

And it's because of a guy. He's funny and talking to him makes everything feel like it's bearable.

I try to talk to him almost everyday. We talk about random things, but it mostly revolves around school... and homework.
Yesterday and the day before, he called me "man" and "bruh." Taken out of context, that sounds pretty bad.
He used "bruh" when I asked if we were still going to Good Karma (a vegan cafe). He said, "No. Steakhouse only bruh."
And "man" when I was talking about homework: "It's the weekend man. Just loaf around."

He uses "lol" quite often and I hope he's actually laughing out loud. I always get nervous when I try to start the conversation too... And my friend (our mutual friend) said he's not the type to do anything with the girl he likes... like he wouldn't start the conversation first or anything like that. I'm so weird. He makes me feel even weirder (and act weirder..)

Oh. And I still haven't gathered up the courage to ask him for his number. Maybe I can get it this weekend if he brings me cookies....

I know I said I wouldn't post here anymore....

But the comfort of knowing who my readers are helps me say what I really want to say.

On Tumblr, there are some random people liking your blog posts and then there's the whole people finding me on there too.

It's annoying, but I guess it's my fault for not being more careful.

Anyhoot. I've been feeling a bit jealous.

Math Club Guy is playing Tetris with someone else and talking to her a lot. That's what they do a lot..... talk about and play Tetris. I have no idea why I feel jealous at all..... am I feeling a bit insecure? Do I just want some closure from something that did not ever happen?

I think I do.

And lately.......... I've been feeling more alone. Whether they're doing it intentionally or not, I can't help but feel a pang in my heart when my friends talk about their significant other or the person the like. They have moments and conversations with that person almost daily whereas I am just stuck trying to talk to someone who is busy, which in turn, makes me feel like a bother. I need to get out of this rut, but I don't even know if I want to. I wish I knew what to say to him and I wish there was more to talk to him about.

MORE BLOGS?! UGH.

I'm so sorry. I guess I'll be making Tumblr my new blog or something. I love you blogspot, but I gotta do this.... for the team.... (The This Century Street Team, of course.)

Here's the link: http://babablksheep05.tumblr.com/

I love her.

Oh....

And if you want to be super stalker-ish too, here's my blog for English 1B.

http://www.babablksheep.blogspot.com

Nothing is posted yet, but it will just be responses to readings we have.
SO again, if you want to stalk me and see how "great" my analytical skills are, feel free to read it.

I have no idea why I'm posting this. :p

A part of me is ashamed of myself.....

I kind of miss him. Why? I don't know. I can't really say we're friends now because let's face it. It really is just one sided.

Friends engage in real conversations. It's not just one person asking questions and the other answering them.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really do miss how we use to talk.
Maybe I messed everything up.
Maybe things are just different.
Maybe he's just busy.

Maybe a lot of things happened in a short amount of time, and we both lost ourselves, as well as our friendship, in it.

Whatever the case, I really miss joking around with him.

He still owes me fried ice cream....