He needs to smile a bit more while working. ;p

I can live without you

But my dreams can't.

Two nights in a row already.


... Dang it.

It hurts to play guitar again....

But it's just what I need to get my mind off of things.

Love feels like it's too much to handle sometimes.

I still can't imagine myself necessarily "being" with anyone too.

I feel like I should just shut that emotion off. Well try.
Why does that sound so...... for lack of better words, emo?

Sometimes....

I feel like crying, but I always end up bottling all up instead.
I don't get why I do that.

I mean.... isn't that a bit self destructive?
Oh well. Whatever. It'll pass, right?

My heart hurts every time I think of him now....

Him with another girl.
Him liking someone else.
Him in general.

I don't think this is a good thing...

On the bright side, at least I don't feel overly happy when I think of Market. :p

And he still is able to make me smile.

I'm starting to think that maybe he really is my first love.

Still he is able to bring a smile to my face.
Still he makes me feel like I'm unstoppable.
Like the world is mine and I can do whatever I want.
Still he makes me feel safe.
And still he makes me worry about his well being.

Sometimes I just wish that there was something more to us than just friends, but I know that'll never happen.

It's just a simple dream that will never come true, and you know what? That's fine with me. As long as I will always have him in my life, then I'll be fine.

I want to run away.

I haven't had that thought in a long while.

I just want to be out of this state now.

Tired.

I think I've been really moody lately... or something.

I'm getting annoyed more easily. Crap. I honestly don't mean to, but cheese..

Speaking of cheese, my sister bought me mozzarella cheese. Only it was a block and not shredded.
I told her I could have bought it myself, but she bought it anyway. And I said, "I needed the shredded kind...." I didn't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but I seriously could have bought it myself. She replied by saying, "Fine. Don't use it."

To me, that sounded kind of jerk-y, but I know I could have acted differently too.

What's done is done though. I just don't like it when I hear a bad tone in someone's voice. It gets me annoyed.

Waiting.

Rule: "Girls shouldn't text first. The guy should."
That's stupid. If you want to talk to someone, then do it! Just don't seem too clingy I guess...

Rules are stupid.

I'm so tired of waiting for him to text me first. Is it bad if I just want to hear his voice? To hear his laugh? To see if he's okay?
I should text him first, but I've been texting him first for like the past few weeks first...
Jeez. Since when did liking someone become so complicated?

I think I might be a squirrel...

Or a bear.
All I want to do is sleep the whole day away.

Maybe I'm depressed.... I don't feel like I am though.
I could just be sleep deprived...

Can't. Concentrate.

I have a paper due tomorrow and I got a two week extension too. I still don't want to do it and the harder I try to think about it, the easier my mind drifts off, so I think I'll just write a serious blog for once.

I feel like.... I don't know. Confused? A bit sad? More confused? Like I'm missing something? I think I want someone in my life.... someone who can be right next to me when I have my highs and lows. I mean I have my best friend, Kevin, but he's too far and sometimes it's better to have someone here that I can hang out with. Someone who will just be there to make me smile or laugh when I'm about to cry (even though Kevin just recently told me he doesn't know what to do when someone cries, but I don't really like crying in front of people anyway...). Someone to hold. Someone who would be my reason to wake up in the morning. To keep breathing.
That would all be nice, but right now I still think I'm too young for any of this. Is it weird that I think that, but still want one? I guess I just feel a big hole of emptiness now (whenever I'm not talking to Kevin... or one of my other friends, but usually Kevin) and I want someone to fill it, but I don't want to feel needy. Or clingy. I don't want to feel any of these... especially love.

I think love has been bringing me down a whole lot. Just to be in it and feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone is enough to make me cry. I'm so tired of clinging on to moments that have happened ages ago.
It just wears me down.
It just makes me want to cry a little.

I think I miss Omar a whole lot more than I want to talk to the new guy. Sometimes I just miss him and his weird way of showing that he cared for me by pulling away. I think the both of us were just scared something were to happen which, of course, caused the pulling and the slight drifting. Maybe that's just me making up reasons just to defend him and how someone always says she wants to punch him in the face.

Argh. I think I might be going insane because of these two... one things for sure though. I don't feel the same about Omar as I use to. I think I'm just more worried about his well being more than anything else. I think I just want to protect him and to be able to make him smile, but more as friends than anything else. (Maybe it's the distance that's making me say all these things...)

"I've always believed in numbers. In the equations and logics that lead to reason, but after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional and back, and I have made the most important discovery of my career... the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you."

-John Nash, A Beautiful Mind

Memories.

Me: "I quit being the [Calculus] tutor. This week is my last!"
Omar: "Yeah right."
Me: "No. Seriously! I'm going to move to Chicago and live my dreams!!"
Omar: "Uh huh. Sure"

You and your cute smile. Were you smiling at me because I'm such a dreamer sometimes? Because I have plans that I probably may never complete? Or were you smiling because I had dreams? Because I had things that I wanted to do before I grew old and withered?

Maybe you were just smiling because you thought I was joking, but let me be the first to tell you that I wasn't.
It's going to happen, and I'm going to make it happen.
Goodbye California. I'll come back every once in awhile.

p.s. The most ironic thing about this is my "dream" career is to be a teacher. Ha.