He has a girlfriend.... I think.

Good thing I was setting myself up for the worst.
Now I have to.... get over him and other him. :)

And if he doesn't, then I'm doing that anyway.

Putting my wall back up.

He's sweet, caring, smart, funny, and cute.
The reason why I'm somehow able to smile in the morning.

But I'm not going to let myself fall so fast like last time.
No. Not again. I won't make that same mistake.

p.s. I really need to stop worrying about you so much. You're a grown "man".... just like you said when you turned 18 a few months ago. But I can't help it. It sounds like you're dying from being overworked. Maybe it's just my imagination.

p.s.s. How ironic is it that I want to go to Christmas in the Park him and the street it's on is called "Market"?

The Kevins are a tad bit weird, but that's why I love them. =]

People.

Sometimes I want to not talk at all, but people make me, and then they annoy me.
I end up wanting to hit something, but I don't let my anger get the best of me.
I walk it off. I drink tea. I let out a sigh. I think of something that calms me down.

I wish I could take a day off from everyone and everything. Life's trying to get me down, but I'm not going to let it.

I never see you when I go to your house anymore.
And today was the day I was going to sit down with you and have a real talk with you about us and our friendship and if it really exists.

Maybe you're too tired nowadays, so you sleep in past 10am. I should probably come later then...

I want to hold your hand. Just for a little while though.
I want to hear your voice. Even if you just say one word, that's fine.


I want to see you. Even if it's just for a few seconds. Don't worry. I'm not that needy/clingy.

I want you to text me first. Even if it was like Sunday when you asked me what my favorite color was. That was just cute by the way.

I want to not feel this way about someone I just met, but I guess it's okay. I hope it'll pass and nobody will get hurt.

Feelings of fear and happiness swirl inside of me whenever I think about you.

I've only seen you 3 times though, so why do I feel this way?

Simple math equation:

Cute guy < Sweet guy

At least for me. ;p

Oh and:
College guy > High School guys

Aha. Well... only some. :p

Me: "Alright Kevin. Imma let you go to sleep. G'night."
Kevin: "G'night. Have dreams about that kid."
Me: "Oh haha Kevin." *

But instead of having dreams about him, I had dreams about the other guy. Oh snaps.
It feels like no matter how hard I try to get over/run away from him, I always end up back where I started only this time, I fell a whole lot harder.
I hope this time I'm really over him and I'm not using the other one as a rebound. I want it to be something real, not something temporary.

Geez. I'm getting way too ahead of myself. I hardly even know the guy and I've only seen him in person 3 times.

I need to get my hormones back in place and feel nothing at all for awhile. And by that I mean I don't want to like anyone at the moment... or be in a romantic relationship with anyone except for my husband.



*The last few seconds of our conversation went something along those lines

I've been talking to someone...

And yeesh. We've only really talked today/yesterday outside of math club through texts. ONE day. Seriously?

He's sweet and silly and he makes me smile. But I'm scared to fall for him.
Why? Cause you probably meant a whole lot more to me than I really thought you did, and maybe you still do.

I'm going to have to slow this down a bit because I feel like the guy and I are already flirting with each other... hopefully the both of us mean nothing of it because I know I don't. :x

You don't know how good relationships are until you're not in one.

Yargh. Sometimes it's so lonely. -_____-;;
And why the heck is my heart hurting?

Maybe I never liked you.

To me, you like someone because they make you feel happy through their kindness and the simple little things they do.

I used to feel that way, but somewhere, somehow, I stopped feeling it. Maybe it was right near prom when you asked your best friend out to prom. That just really broke me. I called Chris when I found out and thank God he helped stop my tears even if it was just for a while.
I forgot what happened, but my dad tipped that glass over. I went to my room and just cried and cried and cried my freakin heart out.
Everything changed between us that day, didn't it? I think that was the time that I started to worry more about you. The day when I wanted to be near you because I wanted to know that you were safe. No. I needed to know you were safe.
Realizing this now, I guess I liked you for a while, and it was a good run, but I can't just keep on worrying about you. I need to move on.
Maybe I can look at you someday later and think of you as just a friend.

Maybe hopefully someday.

Bloop.

Every time I pass by his house, I can't help but look in the direction of your house.

This is going to take longer than I thought it would, but I have my husband of 2, almost 3, years by my side and I know he'll help me get over you.

He'll always be by my side even when I'm unfaithful and there's a bunch of girls much younger I telling the whole world that they love him. :p

<3 Your Song by Made In Hollywood. 4-7-08
I love my song. =]

"I would never ever do those things to you. We could run away if you wanted to..."

Everything's working out just perfectly... as long as I don't think about what I'm missing on Wednesday night cause then I'll get pretty angry again. I almost went Hulk on everyone twice this past weekend. :x
Anyways. Thanks God. Joel's right. I should thank him for helping me completely believe in You.

And now I guess I should post Joel's favorite verse from the Bible.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

Joel's such a strong individual. I'm so glad that You have put him in my life. I feel seriously blessed. I think he might be converting me too. :x
Ah well.

I swear...

I hope he stays my best friend forever. I don't want anything to happen between us that'll make us drift apart like all my other "best" friends and friends in general. He's a keeper for sure. The sweetest. Always there to listen to me. I hope I'm not being a burden cause I really do care about him.

Please God. Don't let us drift apart. I hope that's not too much of a burden.

I need....

-Another haircut
-To get over you
-To laugh/be with my best friend
-More green tea
-To see Joel and the gang one last time before the year ends
-Motivation to do my 4 papers and letter

My hero...

This Century Merch Sale

Buy 3 shirts and get them for just $25. :O
Daaang. I wish I would have known this was coming sooner.

Eye Opener.

I called you today on a blocked number. To my surprise, you picked up... or someone did... and handed the phone to you.
Anyways. I immediately recognize your voice, but I still asked you who you were.
You forgot your name, but said it after a while. I asked if you were drunk, you said no. That felt like a lie.
And then... I asked you if you knew who this was. You said you didn't know. That hurt. You didn't even recognize my voice. Damn that hurts.

That's it. I'm going to get over you. And this time for real.

So long sir. It was nice knowing you.... kind of.

It's getting worse.

I want to not like you anymore. Maybe even go back to those days when I hardly knew you. I want to blame you for nothing that you did. I want to hate you for making me feel this way.
I can't though.
You're doing absolutely nothing which is making it worse. I can't blame or hate you. I can only miss you more and more.

Hopefully this feeling will pass soon.

Funny.

Tenshi ran outside yesteday when I was at my cousin's house. No leash, just her collar on.
I immediately run after her with just my socks on. Of course I get yelled at for not putting on shoes, so I run back inside and slip them on not even bothering to tie them. I spent a good 5 minutes running after her with the help of my cousin and some uncles (who were out there smoking). It took me a while to remember that she's super loyal or has abandonment issues, so I pretended to give up and started walking back inside. She followed. Problem solved.

I found out kind of funny that I would just run for Tenshi without thinking about anything else except her, but I wouldn't do the same for you. I wanted to, but something in my head just told me no.

Dogs are so much easier to deal with than humans sometimes.

I hate feeling like crap when I don't see you. I hate how my hearts hurts just a little bit when I think of you. I hate how I never told you how I felt because I was too scared that EVERYTHING will change between us. I hate feeling sad when you don't answer my calls/texts/anything else.

I hate feeling like I need you in my life because honestly, this feeling is only temporary and it'll fade... hopefully and if not, then I'm screwed... again.

Realization

I want to see you more than I don't want to see you meaning that if I saw you, the happiness would overpower the sadness for a time being.

Crap. I'm really in too deep.

Those days...

When I don't want to see you, but do at the same time.
Love's a confusing game sometimes or maybe I'm over thinking it.

I didn't get my Ito En Green Tea at Target today and apparently that's where they sell them too!

p.s. Walking with Lawin was fun.
p.s.s. It feels awkward around some of my co-workers. Mainly the guy... I dunno what it is, but I get this weird feeling around him... like something about him bothers me.

The words I can't say to you, but wish I could. [Kind of]

-I miss you.
-I hope nothing will change between us.
-You should call me so I won't feel like I'm bothering you.
-I like you a lot.
-I want to stop liking you so there's no awkwardness between us anymore.
-Let's be friends forever, okay?
-Sometimes I want to be more than friends.
-You have nice hair.
-You look cuter when you put your gauges in.
-You're just too darn cute sometimes... well all the time.
-Can I hold your hand?
-Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that you're sleeping right next to me with your arms wrapped around my waist. That's when I roll over to find out you're not.
-You're a great guy. Please don't ever change.

"Thanks for listening Kevin."

That's it. That's the best I can come up with for someone who listens to ALL of my problems without complaining at all.

I should get him a present or give him a big hug when I see him. He's the best.

CRAP!

I was on the up and up when I saw you Saturday but then something happened.....
I talked to one of our friends in high school and he said you guys just hung out Sunday for another friend's birthday. Obviously that meant you guys drank because I know them... and I know that that's how they party/hang out.
I didn't like thinking that you still drank. I mean, I'm okay with it... whatever makes you happy I guess, but the long term effects worried me.

Will you be able to get over your drinking habits? How is this going to effect your brain? Are you going to be an alcoholic when you get older? What if you get into some freak accident while you're drunk now?

I guess you can say I worry about you too much, but I know that you can take care of yourself. I know that you don't need me to mother you because you already have a wonderful mother living with you.

But honestly, the real thing that bothered me was that after we graduated, you and I only hung out once and that wasn't even really hanging out, so you and I never hung out since we graduated. It just hurts to know that fact.
The fact that I won't every get to hang out with you again unless if there's a bottle of booze nearby.
The fact that we will never walk home together again.
The fact that I can't ever bake you cookies just because I freakin like you.
The fact that I can't call you for "help" on homework because I want to hear your voice and I couldn't find a better excuse to call.
The fact that I won't see you everyday which will cheer me up when I'm sad and talking to my best friend just won't do because I can't come over to your house unexpected just to see you without looking like a super stalker.

It just bums me out and makes me want to scream/shout/cry/sleep because it's just not the same anymore. I miss you and I wish I could tell you all this, but I can't without sounding like a total sap.
Great. Now the thought of you is making me cry... I wish you were here to dry my tears.