I get kind of annoyed when people cancel at the last minute....

A three fourths of me is okay with it, but the other fourth is kind of disappointed.

I mean, I'm okay with people leaving early and such, or if some emergency happened and they need to be somewhere, but I just get kind of annoyed when I'm the one who is going to be driving and someone says, "I might not go tomorrow."
Okay. If you're going say you are, and if you're not, say you're not. I'll be almost completely okay with it unless if we planned it ahead of time (like two or more weeks before the designated date). I get that some other things may occur and some other plans may get in the way or you'd rather hang out with person x instead of me, but if you don't tell me straightforward, I'll be annoyed.
Excuses I am okay with. Vagueness, not so much. Please. If you're going to cancel on me, or anyone else, be straightforward. They'll be disappointed, but understanding. If they're not, then they're weird.

On a side note, I like this song.

"You're not the only one missing someone..."

Was something I wanted to tell a friend of mine who was crying because he/she missed his/her mother. I guess it really does suck being away from your mother or father for a long period of time and it's something I have never felt. I've only heard stories and how people miraculously deal with the situation and overcome the obstacle of not having a parent for x amount of time.

Anyway, I'm going to take this time to tell an extremely personal story.
It's not about being separated from my parents or anything, but something kind of different. To be more exact, it's going to be about my grandfathers.

Let's start with my mom's dad first.
I never knew the man. He passed away 3 months after I was born, sometime near my oldest sister's birthday (so late August). When I was younger, I couldn't help but feel that I was the one to blame for his passing, but of course this is ridiculous, right? Completely, but I still couldn't help but feel that way. Why? Well my mother and sister would talk about him in the car from time to time and reminisce about him. I felt left out because I never had any memories about him. They would talk about him as if he were a great man, a great educator, a great person, and there I was sitting in the car, wondering who this man actually was. I wondered whose stories I should believe: my father's or my mother's? I wondered if he impacted the lives of those he educated. I wondered if he had any regrets in his life. I wondered why my grandma left him.
And to add to my wonders was the fact that my siblings would always pick on me when I was younger. I don't know whether it was because of the way I acted when I was younger or because of the whole grandpa thing, but they just picked on me. They would punch me and so on and so forth. It's highly probable that I was annoying, thus causing them to be angry with me and such. But they would also call me names, which were hurtful and are just now annoying. I somehow tolerate it all now, but sometimes it just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to yell, but somehow I keep my cool. It's a good thing they don't do it all the time....

Anyhoot, onto my dad's dad. He recently passed away. My biggest regret is not knowing anything about him. When he lived with us, I tried talking to him, I tried to spend time with him, but the communication barrier could not be broken down and I got caught up in school work. All my efforts weren't exactly a waste, but it got me nowhere.
When I was around 5-8 years old, my grandparents would take care of me. I don't exactly know how to describe it because all I remember is seeing bugs under the crack of the sink (creepy, right??). All of a sudden, my parents stopped bringing me to their house. I didn't see them much, but I didn't really mind. I was a child and I didn't put much thought into it.
Another memory I have of my grandpa was when he and my dad were talking. We didn't live in the house we live in now, but we were renting it out. He and my dad were in the living room of this house (which looked way different back then) and they were both drinking Budweisers. I come over to my grandpa and he holds me in his arms then gives me a sip of his beer. The horrid taste filled my mouth and I rushed to the trash can to spit it out. The memory ends there. Short, but a little sweet I guess.
Now I find it ironic that I'm finding out things I never knew about him after he passed away. Like how he had four wives and how he had 9 children (well 8 since one passed away) with my grandma, my dad's mom. And how he has 33 grandchildren just on my dad's side. Another thing was that he took care of a family friend's dad when he was younger and they both lived in Vietnam. And that this family friend's dad passed away and my grandpa (according to the friend, but I think it was my dad who did it....) gave him one of the four grave spots that were reserved for my grandpa, my grandma, my mom, and my dad. I don't know if that sentence made any sense, but hopefully it did.

I dunno... there are just a lot of things that I didn't get to know about my grandpas when they were both alive and I wish I knew more about them. Wishing doesn't do much, but there's nothing else I can really do.

Moral of the story? Get to know those you care about. Death is a tricky thing. It comes when you least expect it.

On a somewhat related note, I think I should go visit my grandpa's grave soon.... I don't want to go alone, but I guess I have to...

Maybe if I typed it enough, it will be true.

I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. Idon'tlikeMacken. Idon'tlikeMacken.

I don't think i believe it.... why have I been thinking about him a lot lately? WHY?!!!?!!

Complicated.

That's what you're being.

Or maybe not. Maybe I just suck at thinking of presents for you.
I hate how I searched 149 or so pages on etsy.com to find something for you. In the end, nothing would have been of any use to you. The only two good things I found were pillows and a sticker for your iPod.

You like neither. Wow. Well I already ordered the sticker, so you're getting it whether you like it or not.

What else am I getting you? A book full of silly answers people put on tests and a This Century cd (I don't care if you think they're lame. You never even give them a chance. 10 seconds into a song isn't enough. There can always be ONE line in the middle or end of the song that changes your thoughts about the song. That makes you love it).

Maybe I'll find something for him. Maybe I'll stop looking. I hate how I'm putting so much thought into his gift.

I should take Macken's advice and give him a pair of balls. That was the best suggestion so far.

I smile when I see you now....

Gosh dang.

I can't really like you.
I just like talking to you. And I like the fact that you're talking to me again.

I'm not even your type, mainly because I'm not the age you like (12 and under cause you're a pedo. ;p).

Whatever is the case, you make me smile a lot sometimes. You're too silly.

Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm!!!!

Sometimes I wish I had someone like this in my life.

It's not much, but it's something.

That's a snippet of the conversation Macken and I had a couple of days ago.

It wasn't very long. We talked until 11:30pm.
I tried talking to him last night, but again, the conversation wasn't all that long like it used to be.
At least it's longer than when school was in progress.
At least I know we're still friends...

p.s. I kept smiling like a dummy while we were talking. I've always enjoyed having conversations with him.

Don't know how to feel about this.

Darn you Facebook. ;(

Missing you.

I was looking at some of the posts I wrote about you.
The most recent ones were angry and complaints about you and your actions/words.

A month or two ago, it was about trying to get over you. More complaints and self pity and saying that I was "over you."

Three months ago was about the past and thinking of what could have been.

One of the blogs, the one titled "Remember when..." hit me straight and to the heart. Just reading a couple lines from it made me cry.
Why? Because I miss how you use to talk to me.
How you made me feel.

Now all I'm feeling is poop, and not the good kind.
I really miss feeling that way.

Liking someone and feeling like they may possibly like you in return.
Even though it was only two times (kind of), it was still.... nice.

Everything has become so complicated between us.
There will be no future for us except friendship, and that may not even last.
I feel like this is all my fault. Maybe opening up to you was a big mistake.
We don't talk like we use to.
This is the phase where I'm just asking questions and you respond, isn't it?
It's always going to be like that, isn't it?
That's what happened to Macken and I, so it's probably going to happen to us, isn't it?
I'm not making any sense, am I?
I should stop asking rhetorical questions, shouldn't I?

I guess this is how it is now....

He just doesn't care anymore.

(But then again, I guess I would need proof of that)

I should give him some credit I guess...

He was a "good guy" before all this happened.

I guess I have myself to blame for calling him "mom."

Ha. But I did stop when he asked me to.

Everything between he and I is falling apart.
I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to be patient.
I don't know what else to do now.
Should I continue waiting or should I [figuratively] smack him across the face and tell him how I feel?

I really really want to do the latter, but I guess I should be patient. I should ask him what's happening.

I feel bad for being mad at him. It's kind of silly.

I guess I should attempt to kill him with kindness.

Having the urge to tell you that you're a jerk face, but not.

Does that really make me the "bigger man"?
Bottling up my anger like that and waiting for it explode?

Mopey.

Today I just moped around. Why?
Dunno. Life feels.... bland. I feel like I shouldn't be where I am now.
Something feels off. I wish I was somewhere else. I wish I could spend a day away from society... well a day with someone who I could open up to and they the same.

I guess I don't really have someone like that except Kevin, but he's too far and we can't have a get away when we're 2000 miles apart.

I just wish I had one day like that.
Life feels like a giant mess. I feel like I'm on the sidelines again.

My friends are out enjoying their lives and I'm just here. I feel like an empty vessel.
Whatever.

I love Harvest Moon.

My heart skipped a beat when he came closer to my character and he said, "Skyler... Talking to you always makes me feel better. Skyler, I... No, never mind..."

Sometimes I wish my love life was like a Harvest Moon game. You can see how much the person likes you. They're pretty straightforward and loving. Cute and caring. Charming and funny.
And the best part?

You stay together forever and ever with a happy child (well except in A Wonderful Life. Apparently you *spoiler*).

"Throw my pride into this fire. My confidence is dead, I'm tired."

Well Tony wasn't any help.
In fact, he just backed up what Macken did. Oh. And apparently I have a "thing" for him because I'm upset that he didn't want to tell me.

Hmm... can't see how those two fit together.
I still can't see why someone would do such a thing and I'm just curious about.

GAH!! I quit!! I don't care anymore.

Weird

Still thinking about Macken makes me angry, but only when I see something that makes me think of him.
Ah well. Maybe I should ask Tony about his reasoning.


Anyhoot. It's apparently been 49 days since my grandpa died. Crazy, right?
I can't even believe it myself.
I'm in that denial/acceptance phase where I believe it, but sometimes I just forget.

Things have been weird lately. I need someone to talk to about all of this, but where to start is always the question.

I smile whenever I see him.

Whether it's a picture, the actual person, or the thought of him, I will always smile.

I met him over the internet about three years ago in February. He was a band dude that was just starting out. I had no idea how he or any of his band mates looked like and at that time, I didn't really care.

All I knew was that I liked their music.
About a couple of months later, when the band released one of their most popular songs, "No Way Out," I got to know them a little more. I added him on MySpace and would have random, but short conversations with him and the other guys.

About last year, a little over 14 months ago, I finally talked to him over the phone. It was awkward at first, but I loosened up. What did we talk about? Rubik'S Cube, cats, guitars, iPods, him being a huge part of my life, dogs, and a whole couple of other things. According to a log that I keep of random/important events, it was the "best 15 minutes ever."

Three months after, we finally met in person. I was.... speechless. He's such a nice guy. I honestly hope that if I get married, my husband is as nice, sweet, and charming as he is.

This isn't the best picture of him, but here's my hero. I hope I get to see him in August this year. If not, best of wishes to him and the rest of his band mates on their first headlining tour. They've come so far from where they first started.

This is interesting..

I always look at this picture every couple of months. Each time is different from the last, which is good. I guess.

Anywho. I should explain what it's about, but first, list what the first 5 words you see are.






Those words describe what you are currently feeling, wanting, and/or needing.
Pretty cool, right?

Well at least I know I have some amazing friends...

Words will never be able to express how much I love them.
Yeah. Not even if someone somehow found a way to use EVERY word in the dictionary and formed some sort of love poem.

As for "mutual friend" guy, I'm still trying to figure out HIS reasoning for not telling me. I get my reasoning for being mad at him, but I still don't get why it was too much trouble to tell the both of us.... or why he wouldn't want me to know.

Maybe he didn't want me to feel hurt? Well... that's a good reason.... I guess. He obviously doesn't know me all that well then.

JERK!!!!!

So much for being the "good guy" you said you were when we first meant!!!

Don't worry reader. I'm not talking about Math Club Guy. Talking about another friend.

So here's what happened.

When Math Club Guy and I planned the breakfast, I asked if I could invite our mutual friend so he can give me "major props" if and when I finish a veggie skillet and pancake from Bill's Cafe.
Math Club Guy said yes, so I IMed mutual friend about it.

He never even responded.
He didn't even respond when I told him I missed my grandpa.
We haven't even talked since like.... the Tuesday (or maybe Thursday) before school ended.
Well that's technically a lie. He talked to me and scolded me for calling him with "nothing important to say" and to "not do that again."
Well sorry. I didn't want you to know the real reason, which was I was lonely and wanted to ask you about the breakfast since it had been 2 or so days since I asked you about it.

Anywho. A couple of days ago, I texted the mutual friend for Math Club Guy and said, "____ wants to know if you want to get breakfast with us. So do you?" and guess what?
Yeah. No response. AGAIN.

I shrugged it off again by telling myself that he's busy and blahblahblah.

Now right before Math Club Guy and I are about to drive off, he tells me that mutual friend guy asked HIM about it last night and told HIM that he might not go, but not to tell Belinda.
Um.... what?
I was the one who invited you. Do I not have a right to know? I don't mind that he told Math Club Guy, but I do mind that he didn't tell me and forbid Math Club Guy to not tell me.

Anyhoot. What was my response?
This: "Ohmygosh!!! I"M GONNA RUN HIM OVER!!! THAT JERK!!!!"
Yeah. You really pissed me off.
Here I was, thinking that something was wrong, but in all reality you're just being complicated.
Wth. I'm here trying to talk to you, and you don't even respond.
I'm being like an open book. Telling you that I'm sad when you were the one telling me that if I needed someone to talk to, you would be there, and now where are you?!
Being freakin complicated, that's where!!!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A PLACE!!!!
GAH!! I just can't believe you'd act like that. That you would do something like that.

Great. Now I'm crying because you can be such a jerk sometimes.

I don't even like like you, but I'm still crying over you. What. The. Heck.

Breakfast tomorrow with Tony.

EEP!!

We were just texting about it, and he's kind of getting me excited about it.
"Math club guy" is too cute sometimes.

GAH!!! Must. Stop.

He's taken. D;
WHY?!?!!!!?!