You can tell a lot about a person and what they say in a game

"I HATE WAITING!!!!!"
"Yeah! I like charging into things!!!"

etc etc.
He likes to act rather than use his words.
He relies on his strength.
He doesn't wait, he rushes into things.

We are more similar than different.

I tend to act rather than use my words (especially since I tend to jumble my words...)
I tend to act on impulse, but I can also wait patiently.
I do not rely on my strength unless if the situation requires me too.

Feels like one of those nights...

Where I want to spend hours on the phone talking to my best friend.

I worry that I complain too much when you come up.

I'm starting to sound whiny.

It's getting old.

I hate how I cling onto my feelings so much.

I'm sorry to all my friends who have to put up with this.

Thinking..

That I can't think straight when I am around you.
When you talk to me, I have the hardest time coming up with what to say next.
When you're around me, my mind goes blank.
When you're sitting next to me, I can't help but try to not look at you.
When you talk about seeing her, I think about punching myself in the face.

I've gone too far. Almost to the point of no return.

But.... I'm really hoping everything works out. I hope this friendship works and I don't mess everything up somehow (cause I have a way of always doing that kind of thing).

Late night phone conversations.

Me: "Next time someone asks me when I'm going to stop being a vegetarian, I'm going to ask them, 'When are you going to stop being an omnivore?!'"
Kevin: -laughs- "So uh.... when are you going to stop being a vegetarian?"
Me: "When are you going to stop talking to me?!" -laughs-
Kevin: "Uh... right now!!" -laughs-
Me: -laughs-

I heart my best friend. :)

Pet peeves

- When people throw their trash in the car and don't bother to clean it
- When people change the song and I'm the one driving. It's okay if you check it, but do not change it. You're lucky I won't kick you out of my car.
- When people don't wait for me to get out of the car after I've driven them somewhere (unless if it's home)
- When people honk their horn. Literally and metaphorically.

The list goes on.... some people just frustrate me. -____-;

The compliment that started it all.....

"Monday, Nov 23, 2009 5:11 PM
Joel, not to sound like a suck up or anything, but you are probably one of the most amazing people I know and I mean it." - From MySpace (Too lazy to look back for a screenshot)

I miss Tuesdays with you, but what can I do?
I'm all out of compliments and half the time they didn't make sense or were repetitive.

I'm hoping that you liked each and every one of them Jo-el Kanitz because I miss racking my brain, trying to think of the right words to string together to show you how amazing you are.

p.s. And it all officially started Dec 8th, 2010 with the first compliment on December 13, 2010.

Perfectly Lonely

Whenever I feel like I'm alone in this world, I remember that somewhere out there there's a person who I will be with in the future.
Someone just for me.

And that's when I feel a little better. Like I can live another day for that someone.

Mixed feelings

I have concluded that I don't like anyone.
Well.. not concluded.... more like, "I don't want to like anyone."

Still too scared of letting another in. I keep everything to myself.
Like today... it's been about what? 6 years since that incident?
Yeah. I still think about it from time to time, but then today I thought, "Why celebrate something so strange? Oh right. Turning point of my life."

Well... moving away from the subject of that "incident" and going back to him (cause everything is about him nowadays....) I feel like.... I can't be mad at you at all. Why? Because you're too much of a nice guy..... how can I be mad at someone nice?
I couldn't. Even if you hurt me, I just couldn't be mad at you. I know you didn't do any of it intentionally, so I shouldn't be mad or anything of the like.

Erk. Well at least I don't like you.... I think.... maybe that feeling is sleeping since you're with someone or something like that.... maybe because I don't want to feel sad/hurt whenever I think about you anymore.

Sleepless night....

And I have a feeling my emotions are getting out of hand.
I have no idea who I like anymore.
Obviously I am rebounding.

p.s. Thanks for taking my usual seat. It's fine though. I get to sit closer to the window now. (Although I could say it is partially my fault since I don't even bother to sit where I use to nowadays....)

Positivity.

I need to stop moping around so much.

I feel like a pain in the ass.
This act can only last so long.
I have one reason to be sad, but thousands more to be happy.
Why am I focusing so much on the sad part?

I miss the me who use to not give a whole crap about love.
I miss the me who could smile and keep her mouth shut instead of frowning and complaining too much.

I need a day off for myself.
Just me, myself, and I on the beach... relaxing.
Maybe next December... I hope that won't be too far for me to wait.
I hope I don't go insane while I wait.

ACK!!!

I feel like an idiot!!
Why does it take me so long to realize the somewhat obvious?!

You were in fact.... interested in me... even if it were just a little bit.

I know it wasn't just all in my imagination now!!
Before you use to pester me about where I work, and now you can hardly care less.
You use to call me back, now you don't.
You use to write to me on Facebook, now it's just a one-way thing.
You use text me on a weekly basis, but now you only text me about class!

THE LIST GOES ON!!!
Maybe not so much the texting thing.... and the Facebook thing.... but the ones before that.... it wasn't my imagination.

I should have said something, shouldn't I?
But all this time, I've been waiting for you to do it. I have problems with letting people in, and I get scared when I fall for someone.
Yeah. I have commitment problems. But just that once.... just for you, I was willing to let my guard down. I was willing to let you in so that you could show me that being in a relationship isn't something to fear.

Urgh. I feel like an idiot now.
I miss it when you use to text me goodnight....
And when I would check my phone when I got to school to see that you texted me back apologizing for falling asleep on me.

Maybe you didn't, and still don't, like me as much as you like her....

I'll try my best not to.
But I'm still wondering how I will know whether or not the love I see is the right one....

I lack sense when I think of you.

I lack even more sense when I try to talk to you.

Also,

I'm trying my best to understand, but I still don't get how we changed from talking everyday of the week to hardly talking ever.

Maybe I was just imagining everything that was between us.

I feel like I'm doing better now that I've accepted the fact that you're with someone who makes you smile, but there are just those moments where I just simply wish it was me with you.

You're too kind to me.
I don't deserve it.
Especially after all the mean things I thought about saying to you.

But sometimes, you get me so.... sad.

I can't stand it when you don't pay attention in class.
C'mon man. You're smarter than that. Don't do your computer science homework while Doi is lecturing.

I know we're friends and I have feelings for you and all, but you shouldn't do that.
You should pay attention. It gets boring sometimes, but I want nothing but success for you.

I know you can do this. I believe in you. Please please please just pay attention.

Lalalalala~

Too lazy to do my Physics lab that's due tomorrow, so why not write a real blog for once?
What's been going on in your life Belinda???
Well... nothing.

Everything feels like it's back to normal.

Today I took some time off and went to the park (like I usually do when I don't want to walk around school like a weirdo...)

When I got there though, there was a couple on the swing. I didn't bother going over while they were on it. Instead, I just sat and watched.... while eating Subway.
They were cute together. Instead of facing the playground, they faced the other way, towards the tree and light rail station and I guess the other half of the park...
At first they were swinging next to each other, but then the boyfriend got off and started to push his girlfriend. All cute until the guy started texting....
BUT THEN!!! The girl got off and told her boyfriend she wanted to push him (I'm guessing this of course...), so he gets on and she pushes him.
After a while, he hops off and they walk away together hand in hand (I found it cute how the girl reached for his hand instead of the other way around, but I think that's how it always is.....)
Once I finished my sub, I walked over to the swing and swung myself (dur...).
It felt a bit lonely, but doing as they did, facing the trees, made me feel happy. Like I could fly away. Pretty poetic, right? Well... there's nothing really else to add, but in that moment I was happy.... until my wallet fell out of my pocket.... and when I got off because my stomach started to feel weird.

Anyways. Here's what I thought when I was at the park:
I need to work harder if I want to graduate in 4 years with my BS/BA in Mathematics
I don't think that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that guy
I'm still not ready to date (or is it that I'm too scared to date?)
Swinging is fun
I am too scared of heights to be swinging so high
I wish someone else was there with me.
It scares me everything could have changed if I told him I liked him
He deserves to be happy
The sky still looks weird when you're swinging and looking up
I want ice cream, but I feel too full to eat anything else
Little kids make me feel like an old fart
Will I ever be a good parent?
Do I really want to be a teacher?
What will I do after college?
How is everything going to be like in the future?
Will I ever find the one?

Yeah... I don't think everything is "back to normal" anymore. I'm love-sick and everything seems bland half the time.

I don't want to live my life going through the motions.

Edge

I feel like I'm at the edge of things. Like just the tinniest thing can push me off.
I feel like if I saw you two together again, I'd fall. Fall down and start crying uncontrollably.

But I will try my best to hold strong. I will try my best to keep a straight face even when I am tearing at the seams. I will get through this..... someday.

Someday seems too far away.

I want to get over this heartbreak right now.
I'm through trying to hold back these tears for you.
It hurts too much to even look at you now.
Just simply wishing won't even work anymore.
It feels like nothing will change.
My throat feels like it's burning.
I find it hard to sleep now.
I can't even focus on the things I love anymore.
I feel like I need something, someone to just distract from you always.
I feel like I have to be always doing something that involves my whole body moving.

I just want this whole thing to end.
I want everything between us back to the way it was before. When I hardly knew you or how you even looked or sounded.

How did I get myself in so deep?