Day 1

So neeeedy!!!

I feel like I need to latch on to someone nowadays.

Must resist.

I can get through this.....


I would really enjoy some ice cream right now.

There's another option I never explored.

I told myself that until I find someone new, I would wait for you.
There were two other options that came to mind too.
1. Feel sorry for myself and think of what could have been
2. Attempt to get with Omar (wth?! Seriously?! Yeah right...) or find a replacement (aka REBOUND!!!)

But there's another option. Do none of the three. Basically, get over you. I don't need to rebound. I don't need to force myself to find someone else. And I shouldn't wallow in self pity either!

I can just fall out of love somehow. I know this takes time, but hey. It's better than wasting my time and effort on someone whom I will probably never end up with, being depressed cause you're with someone else, and searching for comfort from a person I hardly know and am hardly attracted to.

I know this will take a lot of work, and I know that I will complain and complain some more about it all, but I will try my best to get over you because that's what's best for me right now. I'm too young to be latching onto someone who doesn't feel the same way I do.

So please be patient with me.

I'm pathetic.

I told you about that place I was going to take someone to someday. Why? Because every time you talk to me, it's like I have to obey.

I really really want to cry right now because you're going to more than likely take her there. How lucky is she? Pretty darn lucky.

What's this special place you ask, dear reader?
It's a place that one of my friends told me to go to if I wanted to watch meteor showers at because it has a great view.

Who was I going to take? Someone special to me..... when I find that special someone who loves me, and I the same.

Whenever that day comes, right? Well.... if it ever comes.

p.s. He canceled our ice cream date. I should be more upset, but I don't think I am. I'm more upset that I could kind of revolved my whole week around that "date".

Remember when....

We use to talk every day?
When I asked you what you were doing and then walked over to math club just to see you?
When you handed me your laptop to play Tetris for you because you got schooled by a girl(er.... I mean she only ko-ed you 3 times)?
When we use to play Tetris with each other?
When you said we should webcam because you wanted me to teach you how to solve a Rubik's Cube?
When you would fall asleep when we were texting?
When you use to randomly post on my Facebook Wall saying hi to me for absolutely no reason?
When you said we should get frozen yogurt together, but ended up bailing on me?
When I looked around downtown for a frozen yogurt place that we could try out together?
When I asked you to go to Christmas in the Park with me?
When I blamed you for making me trip over a stair while I was reading your text?
When we found out that we were going to have the same class the next semester?
When I gave you cookies and you said they were yummy?
When I called you because I was bored and you told me that you had homework due, so I let you be and told you I was going to sleep and you texted me "gnight" after we hung up?

When we stopped talking like we use to?

I do. Do you?
I miss what we had, but I guess the truth hurts. You have a girlfriend. Things will never be like this again...

Times are a'changin

On a lighter note,

I have an ice cream date on Thursday with a man who has rejected me about 5 times.

It's about time he finally said yes to me.

Caught up in the past of what could have been...

I feel like crap.
I wish I could have just faced the music, but when he said, "Wait... I need to tell you something," and I was already out the door, I just had to stop and turn.
I asked him, "Can't you tell me some other time?"
He responded, "No. Because we might not see each other much after this."
I gave him a concerned look and asked, "Why not?"
And he said, "Because you're the one I like..."

I closed the door and said bye to him as I walked to my car. I was shaking from the concert. I couldn't deal with that right now. I didn't want to take a chance. My excuse will always be, "I'm too young..." but when will I be too old for this?

I should have told him that my heart belongs to another, but that person's heart belongs to someone else who isn't me. That because of this person, I feel like I'm breaking apart. Slowly slowly losing myself to him. That I'm in too deep for this guy whose heart belongs to another. That I envy the girl who has him and that I have nothing else to do, but wait for him. Wait until I can get over it. I cannot, and do not, want to be in a one-sided relationship where I'm the one receiving all the affection and am not giving any out...

I'm sorry I can't say any of these words to you. I'm such a jerk.

What do you do when someone tells you they like you?

Me?
Slam the door shut and tell them bye.

I feel like a horrible person now, but at least I had a grand time at the concert.

Joel was nice, like usual.
He is love. I swear.... I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

We communicate.

But am I the only one feeling it?
Like there's something more to this?
Maybe..... but.... reader, you see that blob on the side there?
That was me drawing him..... and I can never get his hair right...
But anywho. When I was doodling it, he had this cute little question mark expression on his face.
And then I crossed it out because, like I said, I messed up. Because every time I think of him, my breath gets short. My heart skips a beat. Etc etc.

When I was done, we stopped writing for a bit and continued taking notes for class.

Then he wrote, "ugh 3 meals a day is killing me."

He's just....... too cute.
I seriously would like to lie next to him and stare at the ceiling for a long time with him.... fully clothed of course.

Too bad the moment ended when we walked out of class and your girlfriend was outside waiting for you and you said, "Hey! You're out early," and you reached in to hug her.

I remember when you did that to me..... the first and only time you did that to me.
It was when I gave you cookies. The day before Thanksgiving Break. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't hug back at all. You caught me off guard. And back then.... I didn't want to fall for you, but I guess it's a little too late for that now.

I'm really really hoping I can handle this. I'm really hoping that I don't break apart.

Maybe when Friday comes, all my worries will wash away. Maybe Joel can make some sense of it....

My cousin and dad said they think I should eat meat again...

I just smiled and thought, "Nah. I love being a vegetarian and I don't think I want to go back to eating meat anytime soon."

It's not about being skinny or anything like that.
It's about being healthy. Being able to not worry so much about how I can have high cholesterol or worry that I may have a heart attack when I reach 25 or whatever.

It's about the cows and chickens and piggies being mistreated.

It's about me wanting to be me and making choices that I want to.

It's about what makes me happy.

And it will be about all of those and so much more from now until the day I say, "This isn't for me anymore...." (which isn't anytime soon. :p)

It's not Friday, but I'm in love.

Every time I see him, I can't help but smile. Thank goodness he's one of a kind, cause if he wasn't then I wouldn't pay much attention to him.

So glad to have you in my life. <3

I just realized how much I like you.

Trying to poke your nonexistent fat when you're leaving our friend's house.
Typing notes to you on your computer.
Helping you write notes on your computer.
Waiting for you to get online.
Constantly thinking about you.
Wishing I can lie under the stars with you.
Hoping that someday somehow, I will be able to muster up the courage and tell you how I feel.

Maybe I'm a little too late for all of this...

Maybe I'm in way too deep. Maybe I'm also in denial.

What a week....

Sunday: Too far back to remember, so must have been uneventful.
Monday: Not too bad... hung out with a friend and internet was still down... Target made me wait for 20 minutes on a camera that was "discontinued."
Tuesday: Lost an earring somewhere in my room... and they were one of my favorites too. Cried because I realized that he's happy with her and there was nothing I could really do or say to change anything. Finally accepted that he loves her and is happy with her. I am happy for him.
Wednesday: THE WORST!!! Dented my car (the other car was a-okay though) and damaged the side mirror on my Benz.... (other car may have hurt it's side mirror too..... >___<)
Thursday: Great day actually. Talked to Professor Do and told him this week has been a pain, etc etc. He's a great professor and person. Seriously. Talking to him makes me feel happy and shtuff. Went to the park and relaxed. Tried to spoil myself as much as I could cause having three bad-ish days in a row was starting to burn me out. Made fried Oreos with friends. Very fun day.
Friday: Okay day. Slept in since I didn't have to be at work until 11. Was actually a little late for work. Had lunch before my meeting with some co-workers. Accidentally bumped into the curb and made myself get a flat tire. Friend asks if everything will be alright. I say yes. Dad comes to the rescue even though he had a few and teaches me how to fix a flat tire.

My mind is off in it's own world, and I'm here feeling lost without it.

Theory of opposites.

You need one thing to appreciate the other.
If you have light, but no dark, then what is so great about the light?

Nothing.

We need opposites.
Positivity. Negativity.
Light. Dark.
Sun. Rain.
Beautiful. Horrifying.


Balance and simplicity is the way to go.

Burst of emotions...

It just suddenly..... exploded.

I couldn't keep it in any longer.

You think I like him?!

He's a nice guy and all, but we're JUST friends.

The worst part to this whole thing is that he may think I like him too....

And the irony of it all?
The voice in my head is screaming, "NO YOU FOOL!!! I like you!! Yes!!! YOU DANG IT!!!"
But like usually, I'll leave my mouth shut, for the fear of commitment drives my love life.

I need to straighten this out before I feel like I'm leading him on, but how can I do that when NEITHER of you are willing to listen?

That strange feeling when you feel like you're about to cry, but you're trying your best to fight it

I have the strongest need to just talk to someone right now.

What sucks is I don't want to feel like a bother.

What sucks even more is I always always get the feeling of wanting to talk to someone in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping or busy doing this or that.


What's strange is that even though I have a good day, I have a not-so-good night.
Maybe it's because night is the time I think. Night is the time I lay everything down and think.

Sometimes thinking is your worst enemy. Other times, it is your best friend.

I really really really miss you Joel. I feel like I'm at peace whenever I talk to you... and that peaceful feeling is what I need right now. A feeling that everything will be alright. That everything will work out one way or another.

"You are the only exception..."

Sam Tsui's cover of Paramore's "The Only Exception" is playing....

And then it hit me.

When I asked you to go to the beach with me over winter break....
You said it's too cold for that, but then you added, "Sure. Why not?"

That made me smile more for a tiny bit, but now it's just hurting.
What happened between us that everything change?

The first time I met you.....

You asked for my e-mail address to send me an invite to the SJSU Math Club Google Group.
Then you asked if I needed to join for a class.
I responded yes.
You asked if it were for Sci 2.
I said yes and I hate it.
You said I can make it as long as I do all my work.

I begin to walk out and on my way out, I remembered I should ask for your name.
You said Tony and asked for mine. I told you mine and that was it.

That was how we first met.

I had a wonderful day today...

Even though nothing special happened today.
Even though I'm being attacked by red ninjas.
Even though mom seems like he's not really talking to me. (Could be my imagination)
Even though you're with someone else.
Even though I am definitely not on my "A-game" today.


I honestly did have a wonderific day today and it's the first one since what feels like forever.

p.s. Dear reader, I hope your day was good too. If not, there's tomorrow and the next day and the next day...