He needs to smile a bit more while working. ;p

I can live without you

But my dreams can't.

Two nights in a row already.


... Dang it.

It hurts to play guitar again....

But it's just what I need to get my mind off of things.

Love feels like it's too much to handle sometimes.

I still can't imagine myself necessarily "being" with anyone too.

I feel like I should just shut that emotion off. Well try.
Why does that sound so...... for lack of better words, emo?

Sometimes....

I feel like crying, but I always end up bottling all up instead.
I don't get why I do that.

I mean.... isn't that a bit self destructive?
Oh well. Whatever. It'll pass, right?

My heart hurts every time I think of him now....

Him with another girl.
Him liking someone else.
Him in general.

I don't think this is a good thing...

On the bright side, at least I don't feel overly happy when I think of Market. :p

And he still is able to make me smile.

I'm starting to think that maybe he really is my first love.

Still he is able to bring a smile to my face.
Still he makes me feel like I'm unstoppable.
Like the world is mine and I can do whatever I want.
Still he makes me feel safe.
And still he makes me worry about his well being.

Sometimes I just wish that there was something more to us than just friends, but I know that'll never happen.

It's just a simple dream that will never come true, and you know what? That's fine with me. As long as I will always have him in my life, then I'll be fine.

I want to run away.

I haven't had that thought in a long while.

I just want to be out of this state now.

Tired.

I think I've been really moody lately... or something.

I'm getting annoyed more easily. Crap. I honestly don't mean to, but cheese..

Speaking of cheese, my sister bought me mozzarella cheese. Only it was a block and not shredded.
I told her I could have bought it myself, but she bought it anyway. And I said, "I needed the shredded kind...." I didn't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but I seriously could have bought it myself. She replied by saying, "Fine. Don't use it."

To me, that sounded kind of jerk-y, but I know I could have acted differently too.

What's done is done though. I just don't like it when I hear a bad tone in someone's voice. It gets me annoyed.

Waiting.

Rule: "Girls shouldn't text first. The guy should."
That's stupid. If you want to talk to someone, then do it! Just don't seem too clingy I guess...

Rules are stupid.

I'm so tired of waiting for him to text me first. Is it bad if I just want to hear his voice? To hear his laugh? To see if he's okay?
I should text him first, but I've been texting him first for like the past few weeks first...
Jeez. Since when did liking someone become so complicated?

I think I might be a squirrel...

Or a bear.
All I want to do is sleep the whole day away.

Maybe I'm depressed.... I don't feel like I am though.
I could just be sleep deprived...

Can't. Concentrate.

I have a paper due tomorrow and I got a two week extension too. I still don't want to do it and the harder I try to think about it, the easier my mind drifts off, so I think I'll just write a serious blog for once.

I feel like.... I don't know. Confused? A bit sad? More confused? Like I'm missing something? I think I want someone in my life.... someone who can be right next to me when I have my highs and lows. I mean I have my best friend, Kevin, but he's too far and sometimes it's better to have someone here that I can hang out with. Someone who will just be there to make me smile or laugh when I'm about to cry (even though Kevin just recently told me he doesn't know what to do when someone cries, but I don't really like crying in front of people anyway...). Someone to hold. Someone who would be my reason to wake up in the morning. To keep breathing.
That would all be nice, but right now I still think I'm too young for any of this. Is it weird that I think that, but still want one? I guess I just feel a big hole of emptiness now (whenever I'm not talking to Kevin... or one of my other friends, but usually Kevin) and I want someone to fill it, but I don't want to feel needy. Or clingy. I don't want to feel any of these... especially love.

I think love has been bringing me down a whole lot. Just to be in it and feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone is enough to make me cry. I'm so tired of clinging on to moments that have happened ages ago.
It just wears me down.
It just makes me want to cry a little.

I think I miss Omar a whole lot more than I want to talk to the new guy. Sometimes I just miss him and his weird way of showing that he cared for me by pulling away. I think the both of us were just scared something were to happen which, of course, caused the pulling and the slight drifting. Maybe that's just me making up reasons just to defend him and how someone always says she wants to punch him in the face.

Argh. I think I might be going insane because of these two... one things for sure though. I don't feel the same about Omar as I use to. I think I'm just more worried about his well being more than anything else. I think I just want to protect him and to be able to make him smile, but more as friends than anything else. (Maybe it's the distance that's making me say all these things...)

"I've always believed in numbers. In the equations and logics that lead to reason, but after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional and back, and I have made the most important discovery of my career... the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you."

-John Nash, A Beautiful Mind

Memories.

Me: "I quit being the [Calculus] tutor. This week is my last!"
Omar: "Yeah right."
Me: "No. Seriously! I'm going to move to Chicago and live my dreams!!"
Omar: "Uh huh. Sure"

You and your cute smile. Were you smiling at me because I'm such a dreamer sometimes? Because I have plans that I probably may never complete? Or were you smiling because I had dreams? Because I had things that I wanted to do before I grew old and withered?

Maybe you were just smiling because you thought I was joking, but let me be the first to tell you that I wasn't.
It's going to happen, and I'm going to make it happen.
Goodbye California. I'll come back every once in awhile.

p.s. The most ironic thing about this is my "dream" career is to be a teacher. Ha.

He has a girlfriend.... I think.

Good thing I was setting myself up for the worst.
Now I have to.... get over him and other him. :)

And if he doesn't, then I'm doing that anyway.

Putting my wall back up.

He's sweet, caring, smart, funny, and cute.
The reason why I'm somehow able to smile in the morning.

But I'm not going to let myself fall so fast like last time.
No. Not again. I won't make that same mistake.

p.s. I really need to stop worrying about you so much. You're a grown "man".... just like you said when you turned 18 a few months ago. But I can't help it. It sounds like you're dying from being overworked. Maybe it's just my imagination.

p.s.s. How ironic is it that I want to go to Christmas in the Park him and the street it's on is called "Market"?

The Kevins are a tad bit weird, but that's why I love them. =]

People.

Sometimes I want to not talk at all, but people make me, and then they annoy me.
I end up wanting to hit something, but I don't let my anger get the best of me.
I walk it off. I drink tea. I let out a sigh. I think of something that calms me down.

I wish I could take a day off from everyone and everything. Life's trying to get me down, but I'm not going to let it.

I never see you when I go to your house anymore.
And today was the day I was going to sit down with you and have a real talk with you about us and our friendship and if it really exists.

Maybe you're too tired nowadays, so you sleep in past 10am. I should probably come later then...

I want to hold your hand. Just for a little while though.
I want to hear your voice. Even if you just say one word, that's fine.


I want to see you. Even if it's just for a few seconds. Don't worry. I'm not that needy/clingy.

I want you to text me first. Even if it was like Sunday when you asked me what my favorite color was. That was just cute by the way.

I want to not feel this way about someone I just met, but I guess it's okay. I hope it'll pass and nobody will get hurt.

Feelings of fear and happiness swirl inside of me whenever I think about you.

I've only seen you 3 times though, so why do I feel this way?

Simple math equation:

Cute guy < Sweet guy

At least for me. ;p

Oh and:
College guy > High School guys

Aha. Well... only some. :p

Me: "Alright Kevin. Imma let you go to sleep. G'night."
Kevin: "G'night. Have dreams about that kid."
Me: "Oh haha Kevin." *

But instead of having dreams about him, I had dreams about the other guy. Oh snaps.
It feels like no matter how hard I try to get over/run away from him, I always end up back where I started only this time, I fell a whole lot harder.
I hope this time I'm really over him and I'm not using the other one as a rebound. I want it to be something real, not something temporary.

Geez. I'm getting way too ahead of myself. I hardly even know the guy and I've only seen him in person 3 times.

I need to get my hormones back in place and feel nothing at all for awhile. And by that I mean I don't want to like anyone at the moment... or be in a romantic relationship with anyone except for my husband.



*The last few seconds of our conversation went something along those lines

I've been talking to someone...

And yeesh. We've only really talked today/yesterday outside of math club through texts. ONE day. Seriously?

He's sweet and silly and he makes me smile. But I'm scared to fall for him.
Why? Cause you probably meant a whole lot more to me than I really thought you did, and maybe you still do.

I'm going to have to slow this down a bit because I feel like the guy and I are already flirting with each other... hopefully the both of us mean nothing of it because I know I don't. :x

You don't know how good relationships are until you're not in one.

Yargh. Sometimes it's so lonely. -_____-;;
And why the heck is my heart hurting?

Maybe I never liked you.

To me, you like someone because they make you feel happy through their kindness and the simple little things they do.

I used to feel that way, but somewhere, somehow, I stopped feeling it. Maybe it was right near prom when you asked your best friend out to prom. That just really broke me. I called Chris when I found out and thank God he helped stop my tears even if it was just for a while.
I forgot what happened, but my dad tipped that glass over. I went to my room and just cried and cried and cried my freakin heart out.
Everything changed between us that day, didn't it? I think that was the time that I started to worry more about you. The day when I wanted to be near you because I wanted to know that you were safe. No. I needed to know you were safe.
Realizing this now, I guess I liked you for a while, and it was a good run, but I can't just keep on worrying about you. I need to move on.
Maybe I can look at you someday later and think of you as just a friend.

Maybe hopefully someday.

Bloop.

Every time I pass by his house, I can't help but look in the direction of your house.

This is going to take longer than I thought it would, but I have my husband of 2, almost 3, years by my side and I know he'll help me get over you.

He'll always be by my side even when I'm unfaithful and there's a bunch of girls much younger I telling the whole world that they love him. :p

<3 Your Song by Made In Hollywood. 4-7-08
I love my song. =]

"I would never ever do those things to you. We could run away if you wanted to..."

Everything's working out just perfectly... as long as I don't think about what I'm missing on Wednesday night cause then I'll get pretty angry again. I almost went Hulk on everyone twice this past weekend. :x
Anyways. Thanks God. Joel's right. I should thank him for helping me completely believe in You.

And now I guess I should post Joel's favorite verse from the Bible.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

Joel's such a strong individual. I'm so glad that You have put him in my life. I feel seriously blessed. I think he might be converting me too. :x
Ah well.

I swear...

I hope he stays my best friend forever. I don't want anything to happen between us that'll make us drift apart like all my other "best" friends and friends in general. He's a keeper for sure. The sweetest. Always there to listen to me. I hope I'm not being a burden cause I really do care about him.

Please God. Don't let us drift apart. I hope that's not too much of a burden.

I need....

-Another haircut
-To get over you
-To laugh/be with my best friend
-More green tea
-To see Joel and the gang one last time before the year ends
-Motivation to do my 4 papers and letter

My hero...

This Century Merch Sale

Buy 3 shirts and get them for just $25. :O
Daaang. I wish I would have known this was coming sooner.

Eye Opener.

I called you today on a blocked number. To my surprise, you picked up... or someone did... and handed the phone to you.
Anyways. I immediately recognize your voice, but I still asked you who you were.
You forgot your name, but said it after a while. I asked if you were drunk, you said no. That felt like a lie.
And then... I asked you if you knew who this was. You said you didn't know. That hurt. You didn't even recognize my voice. Damn that hurts.

That's it. I'm going to get over you. And this time for real.

So long sir. It was nice knowing you.... kind of.

It's getting worse.

I want to not like you anymore. Maybe even go back to those days when I hardly knew you. I want to blame you for nothing that you did. I want to hate you for making me feel this way.
I can't though.
You're doing absolutely nothing which is making it worse. I can't blame or hate you. I can only miss you more and more.

Hopefully this feeling will pass soon.

Funny.

Tenshi ran outside yesteday when I was at my cousin's house. No leash, just her collar on.
I immediately run after her with just my socks on. Of course I get yelled at for not putting on shoes, so I run back inside and slip them on not even bothering to tie them. I spent a good 5 minutes running after her with the help of my cousin and some uncles (who were out there smoking). It took me a while to remember that she's super loyal or has abandonment issues, so I pretended to give up and started walking back inside. She followed. Problem solved.

I found out kind of funny that I would just run for Tenshi without thinking about anything else except her, but I wouldn't do the same for you. I wanted to, but something in my head just told me no.

Dogs are so much easier to deal with than humans sometimes.

I hate feeling like crap when I don't see you. I hate how my hearts hurts just a little bit when I think of you. I hate how I never told you how I felt because I was too scared that EVERYTHING will change between us. I hate feeling sad when you don't answer my calls/texts/anything else.

I hate feeling like I need you in my life because honestly, this feeling is only temporary and it'll fade... hopefully and if not, then I'm screwed... again.

Realization

I want to see you more than I don't want to see you meaning that if I saw you, the happiness would overpower the sadness for a time being.

Crap. I'm really in too deep.

Those days...

When I don't want to see you, but do at the same time.
Love's a confusing game sometimes or maybe I'm over thinking it.

I didn't get my Ito En Green Tea at Target today and apparently that's where they sell them too!

p.s. Walking with Lawin was fun.
p.s.s. It feels awkward around some of my co-workers. Mainly the guy... I dunno what it is, but I get this weird feeling around him... like something about him bothers me.

The words I can't say to you, but wish I could. [Kind of]

-I miss you.
-I hope nothing will change between us.
-You should call me so I won't feel like I'm bothering you.
-I like you a lot.
-I want to stop liking you so there's no awkwardness between us anymore.
-Let's be friends forever, okay?
-Sometimes I want to be more than friends.
-You have nice hair.
-You look cuter when you put your gauges in.
-You're just too darn cute sometimes... well all the time.
-Can I hold your hand?
-Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that you're sleeping right next to me with your arms wrapped around my waist. That's when I roll over to find out you're not.
-You're a great guy. Please don't ever change.

"Thanks for listening Kevin."

That's it. That's the best I can come up with for someone who listens to ALL of my problems without complaining at all.

I should get him a present or give him a big hug when I see him. He's the best.

CRAP!

I was on the up and up when I saw you Saturday but then something happened.....
I talked to one of our friends in high school and he said you guys just hung out Sunday for another friend's birthday. Obviously that meant you guys drank because I know them... and I know that that's how they party/hang out.
I didn't like thinking that you still drank. I mean, I'm okay with it... whatever makes you happy I guess, but the long term effects worried me.

Will you be able to get over your drinking habits? How is this going to effect your brain? Are you going to be an alcoholic when you get older? What if you get into some freak accident while you're drunk now?

I guess you can say I worry about you too much, but I know that you can take care of yourself. I know that you don't need me to mother you because you already have a wonderful mother living with you.

But honestly, the real thing that bothered me was that after we graduated, you and I only hung out once and that wasn't even really hanging out, so you and I never hung out since we graduated. It just hurts to know that fact.
The fact that I won't every get to hang out with you again unless if there's a bottle of booze nearby.
The fact that we will never walk home together again.
The fact that I can't ever bake you cookies just because I freakin like you.
The fact that I can't call you for "help" on homework because I want to hear your voice and I couldn't find a better excuse to call.
The fact that I won't see you everyday which will cheer me up when I'm sad and talking to my best friend just won't do because I can't come over to your house unexpected just to see you without looking like a super stalker.

It just bums me out and makes me want to scream/shout/cry/sleep because it's just not the same anymore. I miss you and I wish I could tell you all this, but I can't without sounding like a total sap.
Great. Now the thought of you is making me cry... I wish you were here to dry my tears.

Happy.

I saw you today... working.
Brandy was with me and she said, "Watch. I bet you he's going to smile."
I responded by saying, "That's part of his job though!" and she said that you're not smiling right now. And then I hid behind her out of my timidness.

My heart kept beating faster than normal... faster than it would when I was near you in high school. It's funny how time and distance does that to you.

I felt the blood rush to my face causing my cheeks to burn.
We were getting closer to you. I was getting closer to you.

We finally got to you and you.... smiled.

I noticed you put your plugs back in... and there was a reddish tint in your cheeks or maybe that was my imagination, but if it wasn't, then you were probably just embarrassed. (Yes. I still will not believe that you and I will ever be.)
Anyways. As you were checking out our candles, you mumbled, "Oh my gosh... you guys found out where I worked. I still sell drugs though..."
I laughed and told you to get me some adderall to help me focus on homework. You gave me that cute little confused look of yours... and I was too distracted to pay any attention to paying for the candles. I probably held up the line, but I didn't care. I was too happy because I finally got to see you... and you smiled... at me.

I never thought a simple gesture could make me fill with such bliss.

Word.

19 days!

I really hope I get to see you Joel David Kanitz, Sean Nevin Silverman, Alex Something Silverman, Ryan SomethingIForgot Gose in SF.

Please let me see you guys. I want nothing else but to see you live one more time. You four are great friends.... even though I mainly talk to Joel... but stiiiiill. You're all wonderful.

Breathless

As I chase after you, I stumble
And you laugh not acting humble.
I try to tell you to stop, but my words jumble
And come out a big mess.
I must confess
That you are like a game of chess.
You are hard to figure out
Making me doubt
That I know what you’re about.
All of my attempts to communicate
End in failure because you don’t integrate
Your ideas causing me to hate
Myself for my lack
Of plan to attack
Your complex mind. Your knack
For running away
Kills me day by day,
Leaving me breathless with nothing else to say.

When I read this to my class and my professor asked if it was true, I think I lied. It is partially true, but you're not the cruel person made out in this story. You leave me breathless though... and every time we actually do get close and every time I catch us talking in a somewhat flirty manner, I notice one of us tries to break away from it. Maybe the both of us need someone to fix what's broken inside of our hearts. For me, it's you, but for you.... it's someone else.

Idiot.

Though I feel happy right now, last night I couldn't help but feel like a complete IDIOT!
I missed you way too much. More than I have ever missed you before I believe. The last time I saw you, I just simply told you about the meteor shower that night and asked how you did on your AP Calculus exam.
The last time we talked over the phone was about a month or so ago. I asked you where you worked, you told me you were a drug dealer. I asked you if I baked cookies again, would you ever want some. You answered that you didn't really care and after a few moments, you said fine. That would have probably hurt my feelings if I weren't too happy talking to you.
The last time we actually had a conversation face to face was when I came to your house when you just barely woke up. You told me I was crazy for going over to someone's house without them knowing. I told you I tried calling you last night but you didn't pick up. I also told you that I called 10 minutes ago. Shiro wanted to play with your cat, Kitty. It was one of the happiest days of summer... until I saw Espiripoo and Shiro ran off after he and I got ice cream. Har har. The ice cream was good and Espiripoo is a good kid when he wants to be. Shiro running off scared me to near death though.

Anyways. I just miss you. I wanted to see you so badly yesterday, but when I thought I saw your sister's boyfriend skating with two people behind him, I got nervous. I thought one of them could be you. I thought I looked like a complete mes. I turned around and walked back only to realize a couple of steps later that I should have just kept walking. That I wouldn't have minded seeing you... even if you didn't stop to see me. A little too late, you were already across the street. I'm so bad at timing.
In the end, I went to your house anyway and hung out with your brother and little sister. Your twin sister was there, but we didn't talk much. Your mom is super sweet and that cake she gave me a slice of was delicious.

Yeah... that was probably the highlight of my day yesterday... and of course the hour long conversation with Kevin. I'm pretty sure we talked for like 3 or so hours yesterday.

There's a bug in my room. I should let it out or something.

This Century

Even though hardly anyone uses MySpace and I really only have one follower, I just thought I'd post this anyway.... just in case I have some secret stalker out there.

This Century upgraded their MySpace's look and man. It's lookin' good. Check it out if you haven't already. Just click on their name and you'll be directed to their MySpace. :D


p.s. Secret stalker, I'm on to you!!

Just had an hour and a half conversation with my best friend.
We talked about pretty much everything that was bothering the both of us (mainly me cause I'm the girl and I'm the one that apparently has the most problems... or something. Haha.)
We talked about....
-High school students and how some are just so ARG!!
-Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep
-Work
-Sleep
-College
-T.V
-GIRLS (and how some are just AHHHH!!!)
-And how I drifted off from one of my closest friends last year.

The last part was confusing and I wanted a guys point of view from it. Too much between me and that friend happened. By too much "things", I mean good times and then it got awkward. I'm not going to write what happened, but I'm going to put what Kevin said about it and my comment back because it was just too funny/weird/something else. :p

Kevin: "What?! He asked if you wanted to make-out?! What a jerk."
Me: "Yeah! I know. It was awkward. And I'm not even that type of girl to want to make out with someone who I don't have any feelings for. It's kind of just.... slutty."

Har har. My best friend is the best. <3

Effort

Try as I might, but I don't think I can forget you anytime soon.

No [college] guy would ever compare to you..... except for Joel, but I don't think I feel THAT way about him. Ha.

I miss you...
..... And I don't think there will ever be anyone who could replace the hole in my heart that is shaped in your somewhat perfect figure... not now at least, but maybe someday.... I hope.

My best friend the Chicagoist

Is one of the most amazing person I have ever met.
-Great listener
-Able to make me feel better (mentally and healthily and emotionally)
-Weirdo (like me)
-Strange sense of humor (like me again)
-Caring/Kind

Yeah. He's one truly amazing guy and that is why I love him (in a friend way of course). =]

To You, From Me

Trying to tell you how I feel should be no big deal, so what's keeping my lips seal[ed]? I call you a jerk when in reality I want to call you mine cause I know that with each passing day, I continue to fall for you deeper and deeper. Like falling into an ocean filled with your warmth and love, I know I won't ever surface but I know I wouldn't mind if someone were to shove me in.

Oh ha. That sounds like crap. I should just stop. lol

Didn't see you.

My heart skipped too many beats and I was possibly even blushing when your mom said you were coming to the door.
I quickly declined, said it was okay and left.
I'm such an idiot sometimes.

An item of importance

In my Sci 2 class, I'm being asked to bring an item of importance to me.
Crap. I'm probably screwed.
All the items important to me aren't exactly "items".

There's my best friend Kevin (of course) and I'm pretty sure he can't come with me to class seeing as how he has to be notified a week or two ahead and miss school and work to come...
Then there's Tuesdays which is a day and not an item... and if I could somehow bring it in, it'd be too embarrassing for me to explain (well not really).
Maybe my panda hat, but I don't really wear that anymore and it'd be a hassle to explain everything about it.... well maybe not but it's not super important and meaningful to me.
There's my DS which is where I first was able to talk to/meet some of my closest friends to date, but that sounds too cheesy and hard to explain.
And of course, there's my husband. My dearly beloved and the one who can make me smile no matter what. Sadly enough, my "husband" is a song and not an item.... well at least not a physical one.
Finally there's my Rubik's cube. My other dearly beloved. It holds way too many memories in it. Like when I first solved it and how it took me nearly 3 hours to do so and now it takes me about 2 or less minutes. Then there was the race Joel and I were suppose to have after the An Evening With The Maine show that never happened. Then there's that time I tried teaching my mom, sister, and brother to solve it which failed in the end. Ha. I love my Rubik's Cube.

Guess I can bring that... it'll be hard to explain it though.

Oh yeah. There's my guitar which I love so much but I haven't touched it or played it in forever. I have that feeling that my friend from middle school might bring it.... or someone will say, "Play us a song!" and I'd say, "No!" Ha. Yeah. That'll most likely happen...

I wonder how long it takes me to solve a Rubik's Cube now..........

p.s. I found that I hv the hardest time saying "no" when someone asks for help. Double crap.

You didn't call back....

So I'm going to assume you want to see/hang out with me as much as I do. ;p

The One I'm Waiting For...? =]

For the longest time, this song has been the story of my love life... well part of it at least. ;p



And in the end, I figured I'm just going to have to be patient even though the chances of you falling for me is slim to nada, but hey. A girl can dream, right?

TGIT

So glad I don't have classes on Friday. Now I can catch up on the sleep I so badly needed right after training tomorrow.

I guess I can somehow integrate my Asian American Studies and Psych papers in there somehow....

Schooool was way too long today but I got home just in time to watch Modern Family and Cougar Town! Whoo!!

Anyways, when I got home my dad simply assumed that I was at work OR I was out with someone. He basically told me not to do that again.
Really now? I'm 18 and I got home BEFORE 9pm. When I was 17, some of my friends would be out at like 10 or 12 or so! Not fair how my parents still treat me like I'm 12. Geez.....

I have too much homework to complain right now, but seriously... BLARGH!!!!! D:<

My friend Eric the Bear.

Yeah... I suck at photoshop but he insists that it's good. (lolz at different skin color)

Sometimes I'm such a girl...

Nothing real has been going on in my life as of late. Well nothing exciting.

I miss some of my friends from high school and the crappy thing of it all is that we don't even talk or if we do, it's just a few lines. Maybe that's just the "crew" I hang out with, but man. It sucks. Not ballin at all.

Yesterday my friend Julian (well through Jessica...) asked me if she could draw me for her art final which made me feel not as ugly as I think I am. Actually, I don't think I'm ugly, I just think I'm not pretty.
Anyways. When I told Julian (again, through Jessica) that I'm not even pretty, the guy I was tutoring told me to "have a little more confidence." This got me thinking.
Can you have confidence but still think you're not attractive?
I certainly think so because I'm quite sure I'm a confident person. I'm not even all that insecure, surprisingly. I know there are thousands of people who are way prettier than I'd ever be and I'm absolutely okay with that, but sometimes when I look in the mirror, I just don't think I'm pretty. Why? Well I guess it might be a girl thing... or just a me thing. I think that if a girl is told that she is "pretty" by someone she loves/admires deeply, she'll believe it with all her heart unless if that person breaks her heart or something of that nature happens. But how am I suppose to know? I'm just a silly weird 18 year old girl.

Also, I'm starting to think that there really is no remedy for love but to love more. More? Seriously? Seriously.
The reason behind this thought is because of my high school crush who, sadly enough, I still feel completely head over heels for.
Over the summer I thought I was over him and when I saw him again I didn't really feel that thump in my heart or whatever. Or so I thought. The next day or so, I kept thinking about him. All of the moments we had, no matter how small they were, made me smile and then would make me feel a tinge of sadness at the end. Maybe it's because I wish there were more moments that we shared together or maybe I wish there was more to us than just "friends." Whatever the case, I know that I wouldn't mind spending one whole day with him doing absolutely nothing with him (though he probably wouldn't enjoy it all that much!).

Tangled

So my friend Jessica Ngo convinced me into making a blog (or blag as my best friend Kevin says) and well this is my first post.... and since I don't really feel like transitioning into the next post, I'll just end it and put a quote that someone on Twitter said. :O

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde