I know I said I wouldn't post here anymore....

But the comfort of knowing who my readers are helps me say what I really want to say.

On Tumblr, there are some random people liking your blog posts and then there's the whole people finding me on there too.

It's annoying, but I guess it's my fault for not being more careful.

Anyhoot. I've been feeling a bit jealous.

Math Club Guy is playing Tetris with someone else and talking to her a lot. That's what they do a lot..... talk about and play Tetris. I have no idea why I feel jealous at all..... am I feeling a bit insecure? Do I just want some closure from something that did not ever happen?

I think I do.

And lately.......... I've been feeling more alone. Whether they're doing it intentionally or not, I can't help but feel a pang in my heart when my friends talk about their significant other or the person the like. They have moments and conversations with that person almost daily whereas I am just stuck trying to talk to someone who is busy, which in turn, makes me feel like a bother. I need to get out of this rut, but I don't even know if I want to. I wish I knew what to say to him and I wish there was more to talk to him about.

MORE BLOGS?! UGH.

I'm so sorry. I guess I'll be making Tumblr my new blog or something. I love you blogspot, but I gotta do this.... for the team.... (The This Century Street Team, of course.)

Here's the link: http://babablksheep05.tumblr.com/

I love her.

Oh....

And if you want to be super stalker-ish too, here's my blog for English 1B.

http://www.babablksheep.blogspot.com

Nothing is posted yet, but it will just be responses to readings we have.
SO again, if you want to stalk me and see how "great" my analytical skills are, feel free to read it.

I have no idea why I'm posting this. :p

A part of me is ashamed of myself.....

I kind of miss him. Why? I don't know. I can't really say we're friends now because let's face it. It really is just one sided.

Friends engage in real conversations. It's not just one person asking questions and the other answering them.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I really do miss how we use to talk.
Maybe I messed everything up.
Maybe things are just different.
Maybe he's just busy.

Maybe a lot of things happened in a short amount of time, and we both lost ourselves, as well as our friendship, in it.

Whatever the case, I really miss joking around with him.

He still owes me fried ice cream....

I worry that I care more about my dogs than I do my family....

But then I remember that my dogs ARE my family.

He made me cry today.

He did something that someone did to me once. The way he said it.... it just got to me. I tried to shove it off, but I couldn't. It hurt.

And to add more displeasure to all of this, I had a bad case of -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-

It's like we're not even friends. I talk and he just keeps everything a secret. I hate it. That's not even a real friendship. It's a one sided piece of bull poop.

And lately I've been feeling horrible.
My mind has been scattered.
I haven't been sleeping well, though this may be because of my dogs.
I had a headache for 2 days and with every movement of my head, I would feel a throbbing pain.
I haven't been eating much. Only one meal, maybe two, meals a day. Both of which are light... or light and then heavy-ish.
I had back pains for 3 or 4 days.


I'm just starting to feel..... horrible.
Something's wrong with me.... I just don't know what. It's scaring me... a lot.

I NEED TO BLOG!!!!...

For my English class.
My English 1B professor wants the whole class to create a blogger for themselves.
I was thinking of making a completely different blog that won't be connected with this one, but I think I'll just make this private and then make another blog thing........
Anyhoot, just filling everyone in on this. I promise I won't post anything on this one while it's on private. :)

Also falling for Math Club Guy again. I hate it....

Well that didn't last very long.

We just said a couple of words and that's it.

For some reason....

I've been having trouble getting out of bed.
I keep thinking of things that don't really matter.
Macken just responded to my IM right now.

I feel like I'm just thinking of the past, but the past is the past. Sure, it has shaped me into the person I am today, but it is in the past.
Why have I been so caught up in it lately?

It's funny....

My high school crush just recently posted on Facebook that he is in a relationship.
How did this make me feel?

Indifferent. Then sad.

Sad because of the indifference I felt. He used to mean everything to me (well almost everything...) and now he barely means a thing to me.
Sad isn't it? How feelings that I had for two years just disappeared in one month? How we used to see each other everyday to hardly seeing each other at all?
How I used to chase every moment I could get with him down to barely caring about seeing him?

It's just strange how I felt nothing. So strange that I cried over it. This is the second time he made me cry. Ha. I really do cry too easily, but anyhoot.

It breaks my heart to know that I don't care about him like I use to. And it breaks my heart even more to know that we hardly speak anymore. The connection between me and him is lost. We'll never be the same again. Funny how I had a feeling it would turn out like this.

Crazy

This happened yesterday:



What picture exactly? The one I drew about 4 years ago and never finished.


But anyways. You're probably wondering who Brian Lee is. He's the guy in the middle. I had kind of a huge crush on him back in 10th grade, and I'm at a loss of words thinking that he's using this horribly drawn picture of himself as his Facebook profile picture.
Kind of embarrassing too...

It makes me want to finish it now.... maybe later.... when I have time.

What's been going on??

I don't even know anymore.

I'm happy during the day, but at night, it slowly fades away and becomes sadness.

Something in the back of my mind is making me sad. I don't know what it is, but it's something.

I dislike the fact that Kevin is always busy working. I wish I could talk to him about it, but I always forget or I don't want to bother him with it.

Macken hasn't been talking to me much, but he's probably busy partying and such.

Tony's been working too much.

Jessica's at Stanford.

Beth's busy and has her own things to worry about.

I think I just need some sleep. Some more sleep. I like sleep.
Being at home gets me more tired than it actually should.
I wish I could see This Century in concert this summer.
They always make me feel better.
Tomorrow is the last day of summer school.
Tomorrow I won't see the people I've had class for six weeks with. It's kind of bitter sweet. I thought one of them was kind of cute. Funny thing is that his name is Tony.

Blah. Thoughts are all over the place. I guess this is my first "real" blog in awhile.
I have a bunch of things to say, but no way of saying them. That always seems to happen to me.

I want to visit Omar sometime soon, but I don't think we have any common ground. We're just.... too different.

Tattoos.

I said I'd post them soon, so here are my tattoo ideas:

The first one says, "I wanna see everything under the sun."

The second one says, "I can be free from everything and be so much more."

They are horribly drawn, but these are just a rough idea of how I want them to look. Hopefully the tattoo artist is 12019489328759287x better at drawing and has a more creative mind than me.

Also, something bad about the second tattoo idea is that there is another person with a very similar tattoo. Same-ish line and everything! Her's looks waaaay better though. :)


I'm going to wait until I graduate from college to get one, but if you want, feel free to voice your opinions. :)

Scared.

I keep thinking of my friend Justin Garza. He's such a sweet guy. Funny, sweet, and good looking.

He is in a wonderful relationship with someone that he truly loves.
I mean they are just one or two months into their relationship, but the pictures he posts of them and the, "This is what I'm missing while I'm on tour," captions make me feel jealous I guess. Not of her, of course, but of their relationship.


Maybe it's first being in the "honeymoon" phase or maybe it's some other greater power controlling them. Whatever it is, I know that they have something good. They have something great and if it lasts or not, they will always have that something great with that other person. They will always have those good times.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but if it doesn't, then oh well.

Anyways. Back to... whatever the subject is.
I'm scared.
Why?
Because I've never had that feeling where I actually wanted to be in a relationship with someone except once in my life and that feeling only lasted two or so months (well he had a girlfriend, so......).
I'm afraid that I will never find someone just for me.

I'm also afraid that I am looking/wanting someone so badly to be "my boyfriend" that I'm starting to like Macken.
Rebound? Maybe.
It's just that.... he's always there for me and he makes me smile... sometimes.

He's the only guy, other than Kevin and Joel, that I turn to when I need someone to talk to.
Geez. I hope I don't like him.

A part of me doesn't want to go back to school...

Thinking about next semester feels so overwhelming.

Twice a week, I will have classes from 8:30am to 5:45pm. The two other days will be from 9:00am to 1:15pm.

Eighteen units, one math class, two science classes, English, and a communication class.

This is how much I'm suppose to be taking for the next six semesters of school.

How will I survive? I have no idea.

I just want to travel the world and live life, but then everyday would be like summer and I do nothing over the summer.


In other news, I feel like I really really really want a tattoo. I've been thinking of it for a long time, but recently it's been in the back of my head telling me to go do it now. I decided to get one after I graduate from college to see if I still want it. Hopefully the idea doesn't continue to eat away and overtake my mind.

I have two ideas of what I want and both are song lyrics.
I've already drew [bad] pictures of them, and both are kind of good in a way.
Maybe if some color and shading were added...
I should draw a rough sketch on some real paper some day soon and post it up. Maybe get some feedback? Please??

Why have I been feeling so glum lately??

This song is catchy!

Anything But Love by The Season Premiere
Gonna see them on July 9th. WHOOO! :p

I get kind of annoyed when people cancel at the last minute....

A three fourths of me is okay with it, but the other fourth is kind of disappointed.

I mean, I'm okay with people leaving early and such, or if some emergency happened and they need to be somewhere, but I just get kind of annoyed when I'm the one who is going to be driving and someone says, "I might not go tomorrow."
Okay. If you're going say you are, and if you're not, say you're not. I'll be almost completely okay with it unless if we planned it ahead of time (like two or more weeks before the designated date). I get that some other things may occur and some other plans may get in the way or you'd rather hang out with person x instead of me, but if you don't tell me straightforward, I'll be annoyed.
Excuses I am okay with. Vagueness, not so much. Please. If you're going to cancel on me, or anyone else, be straightforward. They'll be disappointed, but understanding. If they're not, then they're weird.

On a side note, I like this song.

"You're not the only one missing someone..."

Was something I wanted to tell a friend of mine who was crying because he/she missed his/her mother. I guess it really does suck being away from your mother or father for a long period of time and it's something I have never felt. I've only heard stories and how people miraculously deal with the situation and overcome the obstacle of not having a parent for x amount of time.

Anyway, I'm going to take this time to tell an extremely personal story.
It's not about being separated from my parents or anything, but something kind of different. To be more exact, it's going to be about my grandfathers.

Let's start with my mom's dad first.
I never knew the man. He passed away 3 months after I was born, sometime near my oldest sister's birthday (so late August). When I was younger, I couldn't help but feel that I was the one to blame for his passing, but of course this is ridiculous, right? Completely, but I still couldn't help but feel that way. Why? Well my mother and sister would talk about him in the car from time to time and reminisce about him. I felt left out because I never had any memories about him. They would talk about him as if he were a great man, a great educator, a great person, and there I was sitting in the car, wondering who this man actually was. I wondered whose stories I should believe: my father's or my mother's? I wondered if he impacted the lives of those he educated. I wondered if he had any regrets in his life. I wondered why my grandma left him.
And to add to my wonders was the fact that my siblings would always pick on me when I was younger. I don't know whether it was because of the way I acted when I was younger or because of the whole grandpa thing, but they just picked on me. They would punch me and so on and so forth. It's highly probable that I was annoying, thus causing them to be angry with me and such. But they would also call me names, which were hurtful and are just now annoying. I somehow tolerate it all now, but sometimes it just gets to me. Sometimes I just want to yell, but somehow I keep my cool. It's a good thing they don't do it all the time....

Anyhoot, onto my dad's dad. He recently passed away. My biggest regret is not knowing anything about him. When he lived with us, I tried talking to him, I tried to spend time with him, but the communication barrier could not be broken down and I got caught up in school work. All my efforts weren't exactly a waste, but it got me nowhere.
When I was around 5-8 years old, my grandparents would take care of me. I don't exactly know how to describe it because all I remember is seeing bugs under the crack of the sink (creepy, right??). All of a sudden, my parents stopped bringing me to their house. I didn't see them much, but I didn't really mind. I was a child and I didn't put much thought into it.
Another memory I have of my grandpa was when he and my dad were talking. We didn't live in the house we live in now, but we were renting it out. He and my dad were in the living room of this house (which looked way different back then) and they were both drinking Budweisers. I come over to my grandpa and he holds me in his arms then gives me a sip of his beer. The horrid taste filled my mouth and I rushed to the trash can to spit it out. The memory ends there. Short, but a little sweet I guess.
Now I find it ironic that I'm finding out things I never knew about him after he passed away. Like how he had four wives and how he had 9 children (well 8 since one passed away) with my grandma, my dad's mom. And how he has 33 grandchildren just on my dad's side. Another thing was that he took care of a family friend's dad when he was younger and they both lived in Vietnam. And that this family friend's dad passed away and my grandpa (according to the friend, but I think it was my dad who did it....) gave him one of the four grave spots that were reserved for my grandpa, my grandma, my mom, and my dad. I don't know if that sentence made any sense, but hopefully it did.

I dunno... there are just a lot of things that I didn't get to know about my grandpas when they were both alive and I wish I knew more about them. Wishing doesn't do much, but there's nothing else I can really do.

Moral of the story? Get to know those you care about. Death is a tricky thing. It comes when you least expect it.

On a somewhat related note, I think I should go visit my grandpa's grave soon.... I don't want to go alone, but I guess I have to...

Maybe if I typed it enough, it will be true.

I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. I don't like Macken. Idon'tlikeMacken. Idon'tlikeMacken.

I don't think i believe it.... why have I been thinking about him a lot lately? WHY?!!!?!!

Complicated.

That's what you're being.

Or maybe not. Maybe I just suck at thinking of presents for you.
I hate how I searched 149 or so pages on etsy.com to find something for you. In the end, nothing would have been of any use to you. The only two good things I found were pillows and a sticker for your iPod.

You like neither. Wow. Well I already ordered the sticker, so you're getting it whether you like it or not.

What else am I getting you? A book full of silly answers people put on tests and a This Century cd (I don't care if you think they're lame. You never even give them a chance. 10 seconds into a song isn't enough. There can always be ONE line in the middle or end of the song that changes your thoughts about the song. That makes you love it).

Maybe I'll find something for him. Maybe I'll stop looking. I hate how I'm putting so much thought into his gift.

I should take Macken's advice and give him a pair of balls. That was the best suggestion so far.

I smile when I see you now....

Gosh dang.

I can't really like you.
I just like talking to you. And I like the fact that you're talking to me again.

I'm not even your type, mainly because I'm not the age you like (12 and under cause you're a pedo. ;p).

Whatever is the case, you make me smile a lot sometimes. You're too silly.

Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm!!!!

Sometimes I wish I had someone like this in my life.

It's not much, but it's something.

That's a snippet of the conversation Macken and I had a couple of days ago.

It wasn't very long. We talked until 11:30pm.
I tried talking to him last night, but again, the conversation wasn't all that long like it used to be.
At least it's longer than when school was in progress.
At least I know we're still friends...

p.s. I kept smiling like a dummy while we were talking. I've always enjoyed having conversations with him.

Don't know how to feel about this.

Darn you Facebook. ;(

Missing you.

I was looking at some of the posts I wrote about you.
The most recent ones were angry and complaints about you and your actions/words.

A month or two ago, it was about trying to get over you. More complaints and self pity and saying that I was "over you."

Three months ago was about the past and thinking of what could have been.

One of the blogs, the one titled "Remember when..." hit me straight and to the heart. Just reading a couple lines from it made me cry.
Why? Because I miss how you use to talk to me.
How you made me feel.

Now all I'm feeling is poop, and not the good kind.
I really miss feeling that way.

Liking someone and feeling like they may possibly like you in return.
Even though it was only two times (kind of), it was still.... nice.

Everything has become so complicated between us.
There will be no future for us except friendship, and that may not even last.
I feel like this is all my fault. Maybe opening up to you was a big mistake.
We don't talk like we use to.
This is the phase where I'm just asking questions and you respond, isn't it?
It's always going to be like that, isn't it?
That's what happened to Macken and I, so it's probably going to happen to us, isn't it?
I'm not making any sense, am I?
I should stop asking rhetorical questions, shouldn't I?

I guess this is how it is now....

He just doesn't care anymore.

(But then again, I guess I would need proof of that)

I should give him some credit I guess...

He was a "good guy" before all this happened.

I guess I have myself to blame for calling him "mom."

Ha. But I did stop when he asked me to.

Everything between he and I is falling apart.
I'm trying to talk to him. I'm trying to be patient.
I don't know what else to do now.
Should I continue waiting or should I [figuratively] smack him across the face and tell him how I feel?

I really really want to do the latter, but I guess I should be patient. I should ask him what's happening.

I feel bad for being mad at him. It's kind of silly.

I guess I should attempt to kill him with kindness.

Having the urge to tell you that you're a jerk face, but not.

Does that really make me the "bigger man"?
Bottling up my anger like that and waiting for it explode?

Mopey.

Today I just moped around. Why?
Dunno. Life feels.... bland. I feel like I shouldn't be where I am now.
Something feels off. I wish I was somewhere else. I wish I could spend a day away from society... well a day with someone who I could open up to and they the same.

I guess I don't really have someone like that except Kevin, but he's too far and we can't have a get away when we're 2000 miles apart.

I just wish I had one day like that.
Life feels like a giant mess. I feel like I'm on the sidelines again.

My friends are out enjoying their lives and I'm just here. I feel like an empty vessel.
Whatever.

I love Harvest Moon.

My heart skipped a beat when he came closer to my character and he said, "Skyler... Talking to you always makes me feel better. Skyler, I... No, never mind..."

Sometimes I wish my love life was like a Harvest Moon game. You can see how much the person likes you. They're pretty straightforward and loving. Cute and caring. Charming and funny.
And the best part?

You stay together forever and ever with a happy child (well except in A Wonderful Life. Apparently you *spoiler*).

"Throw my pride into this fire. My confidence is dead, I'm tired."

Well Tony wasn't any help.
In fact, he just backed up what Macken did. Oh. And apparently I have a "thing" for him because I'm upset that he didn't want to tell me.

Hmm... can't see how those two fit together.
I still can't see why someone would do such a thing and I'm just curious about.

GAH!! I quit!! I don't care anymore.

Weird

Still thinking about Macken makes me angry, but only when I see something that makes me think of him.
Ah well. Maybe I should ask Tony about his reasoning.


Anyhoot. It's apparently been 49 days since my grandpa died. Crazy, right?
I can't even believe it myself.
I'm in that denial/acceptance phase where I believe it, but sometimes I just forget.

Things have been weird lately. I need someone to talk to about all of this, but where to start is always the question.

I smile whenever I see him.

Whether it's a picture, the actual person, or the thought of him, I will always smile.

I met him over the internet about three years ago in February. He was a band dude that was just starting out. I had no idea how he or any of his band mates looked like and at that time, I didn't really care.

All I knew was that I liked their music.
About a couple of months later, when the band released one of their most popular songs, "No Way Out," I got to know them a little more. I added him on MySpace and would have random, but short conversations with him and the other guys.

About last year, a little over 14 months ago, I finally talked to him over the phone. It was awkward at first, but I loosened up. What did we talk about? Rubik'S Cube, cats, guitars, iPods, him being a huge part of my life, dogs, and a whole couple of other things. According to a log that I keep of random/important events, it was the "best 15 minutes ever."

Three months after, we finally met in person. I was.... speechless. He's such a nice guy. I honestly hope that if I get married, my husband is as nice, sweet, and charming as he is.

This isn't the best picture of him, but here's my hero. I hope I get to see him in August this year. If not, best of wishes to him and the rest of his band mates on their first headlining tour. They've come so far from where they first started.

This is interesting..

I always look at this picture every couple of months. Each time is different from the last, which is good. I guess.

Anywho. I should explain what it's about, but first, list what the first 5 words you see are.






Those words describe what you are currently feeling, wanting, and/or needing.
Pretty cool, right?

Well at least I know I have some amazing friends...

Words will never be able to express how much I love them.
Yeah. Not even if someone somehow found a way to use EVERY word in the dictionary and formed some sort of love poem.

As for "mutual friend" guy, I'm still trying to figure out HIS reasoning for not telling me. I get my reasoning for being mad at him, but I still don't get why it was too much trouble to tell the both of us.... or why he wouldn't want me to know.

Maybe he didn't want me to feel hurt? Well... that's a good reason.... I guess. He obviously doesn't know me all that well then.

JERK!!!!!

So much for being the "good guy" you said you were when we first meant!!!

Don't worry reader. I'm not talking about Math Club Guy. Talking about another friend.

So here's what happened.

When Math Club Guy and I planned the breakfast, I asked if I could invite our mutual friend so he can give me "major props" if and when I finish a veggie skillet and pancake from Bill's Cafe.
Math Club Guy said yes, so I IMed mutual friend about it.

He never even responded.
He didn't even respond when I told him I missed my grandpa.
We haven't even talked since like.... the Tuesday (or maybe Thursday) before school ended.
Well that's technically a lie. He talked to me and scolded me for calling him with "nothing important to say" and to "not do that again."
Well sorry. I didn't want you to know the real reason, which was I was lonely and wanted to ask you about the breakfast since it had been 2 or so days since I asked you about it.

Anywho. A couple of days ago, I texted the mutual friend for Math Club Guy and said, "____ wants to know if you want to get breakfast with us. So do you?" and guess what?
Yeah. No response. AGAIN.

I shrugged it off again by telling myself that he's busy and blahblahblah.

Now right before Math Club Guy and I are about to drive off, he tells me that mutual friend guy asked HIM about it last night and told HIM that he might not go, but not to tell Belinda.
Um.... what?
I was the one who invited you. Do I not have a right to know? I don't mind that he told Math Club Guy, but I do mind that he didn't tell me and forbid Math Club Guy to not tell me.

Anyhoot. What was my response?
This: "Ohmygosh!!! I"M GONNA RUN HIM OVER!!! THAT JERK!!!!"
Yeah. You really pissed me off.
Here I was, thinking that something was wrong, but in all reality you're just being complicated.
Wth. I'm here trying to talk to you, and you don't even respond.
I'm being like an open book. Telling you that I'm sad when you were the one telling me that if I needed someone to talk to, you would be there, and now where are you?!
Being freakin complicated, that's where!!!
THAT'S NOT EVEN A PLACE!!!!
GAH!! I just can't believe you'd act like that. That you would do something like that.

Great. Now I'm crying because you can be such a jerk sometimes.

I don't even like like you, but I'm still crying over you. What. The. Heck.

Breakfast tomorrow with Tony.

EEP!!

We were just texting about it, and he's kind of getting me excited about it.
"Math club guy" is too cute sometimes.

GAH!!! Must. Stop.

He's taken. D;
WHY?!?!!!!?!

NOTHING!!

Has been happening.

Macken STILL isn't talking to me.
I may or may not be falling for Tony again (CRAP if I am.)
Kevin is still an awesome best friend.
Elizabeth is a cutie pie.
I love sleeping.
Golden Sun is an amazing game.
Vanessa poop is a silly goose.
My Jersey friends are cool guys (and girl).
Yuuuuup. Everything feels relatively the same.

I have some strange friends,

But at least I know that they'll always be there for me when I need them the most. <3
(And of course they're there when I need to open up to someone.)

Craaaaaap!!

I need someone to talk to, but everyone is sleeping or busy.

<3

Sick.

This whatever-the-heck-I-have has gone to my head.

I feel lonelier than I usually do.

Eat it up.

All my friends who are graduating from high school this year are sad because they think it's the end. In all actuality, it's not. It takes a lot of effort, but if you want something to work out, then you will do whatever it takes to make it happen. If you're lucky, the other party will respond to your efforts by exerting the same amount of energy you did. If you're not, then at least you can say you tried and that it was good while it lasted.

Just remember that it's never the end until someone gives up.

:)

I spent two hours with him just watching tv. We didn't talk much, but it was still nice.

We didn't go anywhere at all and both of our stomachs kept grumbling. Each time one of our stomachs grumbled, the other would laugh. Half the time I asked him if he were hungry, and he would say no.

It was nice. Just him and me sitting on his bed, watching tv. The time passed by too quickly.

I don't really care that we didn't do much because his leg got hurt yesterday in a skating accident and I didn't want to drag him around everywhere.
Actually, I just loved spending time with him.
It made me remember why I fell for him.

p.s. He wouldn't let me take a decent picture of him, so I had to use the mirror to take one.
p.p.s. He drove me home. It was nice being the passenger for once. :)

Feeling sad.

Lately, I just keep on thinking about my grandpa.
Why?
I dunno.
I keep thinking about how little I know about him.

Maybe it's the fact that he was the only one I really knew.
Maybe it's because of the red ninjas.
Maybe I'm still in denial.
Maybe it's a lot of things.

Macken's "emotionally drained" right now.
Kevin sucks at dealing with people when they cry.
And I just don't want to be a bother to anyone else.
I want to talk to someone, but I suck at opening up.

I hate how all of this is just for a moment. Like in the next, I'm feeling fine.
But when I'm alone, I can't help but feel sad.

I can only imagine how my dad feels... and how he's been feeling.... I wish I could do something for him.

But I guess I need to help myself before I can help him...

Every time I see a picture of this person, I get angry.
When a friend mentions his name, I want to punch something.
But when I talk about him, well... there's no "but" to it. I still get angry.

I know I sound bitter, but I don't think anyone should cry on their birthday (unless if it's a tantrum, then that's a different story).

And yeah. You guessed it. Someone made me cry on my birthday. It was the first, I believe. And I know. I should be more mature than that. I should simply shrug it off, but it just angers me that someone would say something like that.

Whether it was a joke or not, it's just something you shouldn't say to anyone.
I know he didn't mean it, but again, it's something you shouldn't say to someone.
Making them feel bad for not having enough food to give to everyone they want to give it to? Yeah. Some guilt trip.
I told you I still had the ingredients at home, but no. You simply assumed that I intentionally didn't make you one.
All for a crepe? Yeah. All for a freakin crepe.

And you know what reader? He didn't even apologize.
He hasn't noticed that I haven't been talking to him since my birthday.
So much for liking someone, right?
Maybe it means he's over me. Good if he isn't, but he still shouldn't treat someone like that. I hate guilt trips.

And the anger will continue to rise until he says sorry.

Today was a good day.

Recap of the week:
Sunday was a blur.

Monday was meh. Had work and school then I went home. Also found out that my grandpa passed away at 5 a.m, but I kind of already said that... that day I didn't want to talk to anyone.

Tuesday went to lunch with a friend. He thought I was mad at him because I didn't hug him (but I didn't feel like giving one, he was sick, and I didn't really notice the gesture) and I didn't want him to walk me to Math Club. Oh. And I was also quiet most of the time. My parents had an argument that night. It was rather stupid. I tried to break it up, but my mom wouldn't listen. Luckily, my dad did, but that was after I started crying a whole bunch. I tried calling Macken, but he didn't pick up which was probably a good thing since I was a literal mess.

Wednesday wasn't any better. The anger and sorrow carried on. I felt like crap that morning. I felt like breaking down in tears, punching walls, screaming, etc etc. I also got my AAS 33B midterm back and I did pretty bleh on it. So now I have to buy Sunny and Tony lunch. Anywho. Later that day I visited Professor Do and I told him that lately I haven't been able to focus. He asked why and I just choked up. I told him about my grandpa and everything that has basically happened over the past three years. He made me feel a little better. Oh. And my mom told me that Monday is the day of the burial.... and apparently funerals last three days. Macken told me something about him and... well it was strange, but nice. I always like learning more about people. It's always.... nice. Speaking of nice, Macken and I had a nice conversation that night. Oh.... and I also left him a crappy thank you note and some delicious peanut butter cookies for him in his classroom/workshop.

Thursday/Today was actually a good day. Woke up to a call from Kevin (the Jersey one) and talked for a bit. I skipped my English class since I didn't finish the essay and today we were going to have a workshop which is basically when we peer edit other people's essay. I stayed in Math Club and tried to work on my paper, but I ended up playing the Pokemon game my friend programmed. Also, I was tezting Tony that morning because I asked him to do me a favor the previous night. The favor was to turn in my paper on Monday since I wouldn't be there and he asked why. I texted him the answer and he later comes into Math Club and asks me why I'm not coming on Monday. I told him to read the text because I didn't want to say it. When he read it, all he said was: "Ah. I gotcha." It wasn't what I expected. Maybe it's because I used shifty eyes or something, but it just wasn't what I thought he would say or do. I guess I liked Macken's response a lot more. I mean.... sorry doesn't mean or feel like much when you lose someone, but it's enough to let someone know that you care.
Oh yeah. And Macken also offered to be a "shoulder to cry on" in a way. He said that if I needed to talk to anyone, I could talk to him. It was a nice gesture...
Anyways. Tony and his girlfriend are cute together...... just a random thought. And I took the president of Math Club's phone and updated his status twice for laughs and giggles. I didn't put anything bad, just what he was doing which was playing chess with Tony and a less than three. He said that it was gay because he doesn't use emotiocons like Tony who texts/types like a girl. Tony said, "I don't text like a girl!!" and his girlfriend said, "No comment," which made me laugh. Math Club president's phone was weird and didn't let him delete it, so he had to get his laptop and delete both of them. After that I went to Macken's office hours.
We hung out for a while... kinda. Well he was writing his lecture and I was there looking at it. I also fixed his lead pencil..... and then I started reading for my paper. He offered me a green apple, and I declined. Later I ate it and stuck the sticker on Macken's back. Then we kept trying to stick the sticker on each other. Apparently he put it in my hair, but I guess it fell out or something because we never saw it again......
Another thing I realized today was that my friends are the best. They are there for me no matter what.
I could go on about my day, but I'm getting kind of lazy and I feel bad for knocking Tenshi's head off my forearm every time she puts it down because I can't type well with it one my forearm....

That sentence was wordy. Okays. Time to do something. I should do Discrete homework tomorrow since I'll be busy all weekend..... I also need to find a way to add my paper in....

My grandpa and a really really cute baby.

It sucks when...

You really really want to talk to someone, but you don't want to be a burden.

Or when you don't have anything to say...

Gah. I feel like crap.

p.s. If anyone was wondering, my grandpa passed away yesterday morning at 5.

I just need a moment to remember this is all real.

My grandpa choked on a banana today... and now he's in the hospital.

The doctor said he won't make it through the night.
But my grandpa has proven the doctor wrong once.... sadly, I'm hoping he is right this time around.

I don't want my grandpa to suffer any longer. Whenever he coughs, you can hear that he is struggling to just get it out.
He hardly moves. He stays in one place for the whole day.
He hardly eats and it's no wonder that he is malnourished.

As insensitive as this sounds, I'm just really hoping that he will find peace.

We were never close, but I can just hope for that, right? Why let someone live if they are going to just suffer more?

There would be no point in that...

I'm hoping he will go peacefully.

The funny part of all of this is that life goes on.
The friends who don't know what happened talk to me as they use to.
I will still have to go to school and do all of my homework assignments.

Life goes on after someone passes away. The world will continue to revolve around the sun. There will always be 365 days (or 366 in a leap year) in a year.

Sure, there will be some mourning and grief, but after that, we learn to cope with it. We learn to occupy ourselves with something else. Something that will ease our pain.

I'm done ranting. If you're wondering how I feel, then the answer is sick. I almost puked in the ER because the doctor said that you only see people as malnourished as my grandpa in pictures of prisoners. The whole thought of that and being in a hospital and thinking of blood made me want to vomit. It also gave me a pounding headache.

But anyways. Everything will be alright. Everything will go back to "normal."

Fo rizzle

So I said I was going to post a blog after I get some rest..... two days ago.

Well... I forgot what I was going to write about.


My friend's are amazing.
My family is kind.
School is bleh, but still awesome.

Life's good.

Everywhere Everything

Just took my second midterm for Discrete Math and my brain is fried. Burnt out. Dead.

Since I got home (around 4), I have forgotten everything I wanted to do.
Yeah. That bad. Half my chats are going like this, "Meh. Eh. Huh?"
Yeah. I'm so dead right now. Hahahaha.

Speaking of which, I got a call today! Well three calls from different people, but I'll talk about the most recent one.

Sean Silverman from This Century called. He's a sweetheart. And he called us friends. Daaaw. That's about it. There's really nothing else to add to that...... well except that everyone should listen to This Century's new song "Everywhere Everything" here! It's so amazing. I keep listening to it over and over and over again, and when I'm not listening to it, then it's playing in my head.

I think I should write another blog after I recharge. I feel like I'm going to pass out soon.

Sound of Fire! :)

Ack! Sound of Fire is out today! So awesome.
So if anyone has an iTunes gift card and don't know what to buy, go buy This Century's album on iTunes nooooow!

Procrastination.

A strong force that takes over your mind and makes you not want to do what you need/should do.

I have a paper due in two days, and I haven't started on it.

In other news, This Century's album sounds like it will be amazing. I was listening to the teaser yesterday, and I literally had chills. Yeah. It's that good.

Oh. And my birthday is coming up. I'm not excited as I should be.
My cousins are taking me out to dinner, which is good, but lame because I don't have ANYTHING to give either of them. Cookies are always a lame gift.... even if they're good.

Something is wrong with me.

Whenever I don't want to be a bother, I always end up being one.
Whenever I don't want to procrastinate, I do anyway.

I need to remember to focus. I hate it when I lose sight of what I really want.
I hate wishing that I should have done more.

I'm just so annoyed with myself sometimes... I just get so short tempered with others sometimes.




"A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered." -Proverbs 17:27

This Century = Love

People always get bothered when I post about This Century a lot, but I don't think they realize how much of a positive impact they, especially Joel, have had on me.
Without This Century in my life, I wouldn't be half the person I am today. They are what keeps me believing. :)

Over you.

But I constantly still think of you.
So how can I honestly say that I am over you?

These thoughts are like the remnants of a disease
That I can't shake.
I feel nothing,
But it still lingers in my head.

Maybe these thoughts are nothing though
Because, after all, I am only thinking
Of the moments we shared together.
Not what could have been, but what has been.

So am I over you or am I not?

I will just say I am
Because when I do, I feel like a lighter, happier me.

3 years in the making.

This day three years ago at 5:28 pm (PDT), I became married to a song called "Your Song" by a band name Made In Hollywood. That was...... one of the happiest days of my life.

It all started on April 1st, the day after spring break of my sophomore year. My friend told me he tried to order this shirt by MiH, but it never came and it charged his dad's card. I had to pay him back, which made sense, but sucked because I wanted that shirt. I told the band, and well.... the singer gave me a demo of their new song to make it up to me.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
It was the most amazing song I had ever heard, and I loved it enough to marry it. Then..... Brain, the lead singer, joked and said, "I now pronounce you SONG and wife."

And that's our story. No real church wedding. No ring. Nothing.
And I'm happy for that because no material thing should represent love. Not even a simple ring.

But don't get me wrong. I would (and do) want a ring when I get married in the future.

I love you honey. :) <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OXPtWwfFo

Words

Words are people's way of communicating their feelings.
Through words we are able to come to an understanding of some sort of what the other is feeling, thinking, or doing.
Words are joyous, but words are also painful and sometimes even full of sorrow.

Nonetheless, we need words to try to understand one another.
Without words, or language, then what good are we?

Whether we use numbers to make up words, sounds to make up a language, or letters to spell out a word, we need words and language.

Silence is golden, but so is communication; people just need to know when to use one and not the other.

So speak out. Let someone listen to your woes. They may judge, but that's not the worst thing they can do.

Words are our friends, and like our friends, we have to choose them wisely.
8 7 14 15 4 24 14 20 2 0 13 14 15 4 13 20 15 19 14 12 4 18 14 12 4 3 0 24.

Sometimes I wish this was all a bad dream

A bad dream that I'll eventually wake up from.

But I guess it's time for me to face reality. I can't wait for you.
I don't meet your standards, and I don't even know if I have any standards for you to meet.

Time to open my eyes and face the truth, right?

And didn't I say I would get over you a couple of posts ago?

Man... gotta stop back tracking.

Ah...

My heart hurts every time I think of you.
My heart slows its beat when I see you and her.

Can I really do this? Because the last time I tried to get over someone, it didn't work out for me. I just fell for them harder instead of getting over them. Only physical distance made me stop liking them....

Maybe if I put my mind to it I'll be able to do it.... maybe...... I just can't seem to focus on it though.

People tell me to focus on one of your flaws to make me stop liking you, but everyone is made up of flaws and to base someone off of that one flaw is just ridiculous.

I really need to get over you... somehow...

Belinda stop complaining and go to sleep!!
Sorry....... speaking of distance, I need to stop talking to John so much. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have...... or give him the idea that he has a chance with me cause honestly, I only see him as a friend.

Day 1

So neeeedy!!!

I feel like I need to latch on to someone nowadays.

Must resist.

I can get through this.....


I would really enjoy some ice cream right now.

There's another option I never explored.

I told myself that until I find someone new, I would wait for you.
There were two other options that came to mind too.
1. Feel sorry for myself and think of what could have been
2. Attempt to get with Omar (wth?! Seriously?! Yeah right...) or find a replacement (aka REBOUND!!!)

But there's another option. Do none of the three. Basically, get over you. I don't need to rebound. I don't need to force myself to find someone else. And I shouldn't wallow in self pity either!

I can just fall out of love somehow. I know this takes time, but hey. It's better than wasting my time and effort on someone whom I will probably never end up with, being depressed cause you're with someone else, and searching for comfort from a person I hardly know and am hardly attracted to.

I know this will take a lot of work, and I know that I will complain and complain some more about it all, but I will try my best to get over you because that's what's best for me right now. I'm too young to be latching onto someone who doesn't feel the same way I do.

So please be patient with me.

I'm pathetic.

I told you about that place I was going to take someone to someday. Why? Because every time you talk to me, it's like I have to obey.

I really really want to cry right now because you're going to more than likely take her there. How lucky is she? Pretty darn lucky.

What's this special place you ask, dear reader?
It's a place that one of my friends told me to go to if I wanted to watch meteor showers at because it has a great view.

Who was I going to take? Someone special to me..... when I find that special someone who loves me, and I the same.

Whenever that day comes, right? Well.... if it ever comes.

p.s. He canceled our ice cream date. I should be more upset, but I don't think I am. I'm more upset that I could kind of revolved my whole week around that "date".

Remember when....

We use to talk every day?
When I asked you what you were doing and then walked over to math club just to see you?
When you handed me your laptop to play Tetris for you because you got schooled by a girl(er.... I mean she only ko-ed you 3 times)?
When we use to play Tetris with each other?
When you said we should webcam because you wanted me to teach you how to solve a Rubik's Cube?
When you would fall asleep when we were texting?
When you use to randomly post on my Facebook Wall saying hi to me for absolutely no reason?
When you said we should get frozen yogurt together, but ended up bailing on me?
When I looked around downtown for a frozen yogurt place that we could try out together?
When I asked you to go to Christmas in the Park with me?
When I blamed you for making me trip over a stair while I was reading your text?
When we found out that we were going to have the same class the next semester?
When I gave you cookies and you said they were yummy?
When I called you because I was bored and you told me that you had homework due, so I let you be and told you I was going to sleep and you texted me "gnight" after we hung up?

When we stopped talking like we use to?

I do. Do you?
I miss what we had, but I guess the truth hurts. You have a girlfriend. Things will never be like this again...

Times are a'changin

On a lighter note,

I have an ice cream date on Thursday with a man who has rejected me about 5 times.

It's about time he finally said yes to me.

Caught up in the past of what could have been...

I feel like crap.
I wish I could have just faced the music, but when he said, "Wait... I need to tell you something," and I was already out the door, I just had to stop and turn.
I asked him, "Can't you tell me some other time?"
He responded, "No. Because we might not see each other much after this."
I gave him a concerned look and asked, "Why not?"
And he said, "Because you're the one I like..."

I closed the door and said bye to him as I walked to my car. I was shaking from the concert. I couldn't deal with that right now. I didn't want to take a chance. My excuse will always be, "I'm too young..." but when will I be too old for this?

I should have told him that my heart belongs to another, but that person's heart belongs to someone else who isn't me. That because of this person, I feel like I'm breaking apart. Slowly slowly losing myself to him. That I'm in too deep for this guy whose heart belongs to another. That I envy the girl who has him and that I have nothing else to do, but wait for him. Wait until I can get over it. I cannot, and do not, want to be in a one-sided relationship where I'm the one receiving all the affection and am not giving any out...

I'm sorry I can't say any of these words to you. I'm such a jerk.

What do you do when someone tells you they like you?

Me?
Slam the door shut and tell them bye.

I feel like a horrible person now, but at least I had a grand time at the concert.

Joel was nice, like usual.
He is love. I swear.... I don't know what I would do without him in my life.

We communicate.

But am I the only one feeling it?
Like there's something more to this?
Maybe..... but.... reader, you see that blob on the side there?
That was me drawing him..... and I can never get his hair right...
But anywho. When I was doodling it, he had this cute little question mark expression on his face.
And then I crossed it out because, like I said, I messed up. Because every time I think of him, my breath gets short. My heart skips a beat. Etc etc.

When I was done, we stopped writing for a bit and continued taking notes for class.

Then he wrote, "ugh 3 meals a day is killing me."

He's just....... too cute.
I seriously would like to lie next to him and stare at the ceiling for a long time with him.... fully clothed of course.

Too bad the moment ended when we walked out of class and your girlfriend was outside waiting for you and you said, "Hey! You're out early," and you reached in to hug her.

I remember when you did that to me..... the first and only time you did that to me.
It was when I gave you cookies. The day before Thanksgiving Break. I wasn't expecting it and I didn't hug back at all. You caught me off guard. And back then.... I didn't want to fall for you, but I guess it's a little too late for that now.

I'm really really hoping I can handle this. I'm really hoping that I don't break apart.

Maybe when Friday comes, all my worries will wash away. Maybe Joel can make some sense of it....

My cousin and dad said they think I should eat meat again...

I just smiled and thought, "Nah. I love being a vegetarian and I don't think I want to go back to eating meat anytime soon."

It's not about being skinny or anything like that.
It's about being healthy. Being able to not worry so much about how I can have high cholesterol or worry that I may have a heart attack when I reach 25 or whatever.

It's about the cows and chickens and piggies being mistreated.

It's about me wanting to be me and making choices that I want to.

It's about what makes me happy.

And it will be about all of those and so much more from now until the day I say, "This isn't for me anymore...." (which isn't anytime soon. :p)

It's not Friday, but I'm in love.

Every time I see him, I can't help but smile. Thank goodness he's one of a kind, cause if he wasn't then I wouldn't pay much attention to him.

So glad to have you in my life. <3

I just realized how much I like you.

Trying to poke your nonexistent fat when you're leaving our friend's house.
Typing notes to you on your computer.
Helping you write notes on your computer.
Waiting for you to get online.
Constantly thinking about you.
Wishing I can lie under the stars with you.
Hoping that someday somehow, I will be able to muster up the courage and tell you how I feel.

Maybe I'm a little too late for all of this...

Maybe I'm in way too deep. Maybe I'm also in denial.

What a week....

Sunday: Too far back to remember, so must have been uneventful.
Monday: Not too bad... hung out with a friend and internet was still down... Target made me wait for 20 minutes on a camera that was "discontinued."
Tuesday: Lost an earring somewhere in my room... and they were one of my favorites too. Cried because I realized that he's happy with her and there was nothing I could really do or say to change anything. Finally accepted that he loves her and is happy with her. I am happy for him.
Wednesday: THE WORST!!! Dented my car (the other car was a-okay though) and damaged the side mirror on my Benz.... (other car may have hurt it's side mirror too..... >___<)
Thursday: Great day actually. Talked to Professor Do and told him this week has been a pain, etc etc. He's a great professor and person. Seriously. Talking to him makes me feel happy and shtuff. Went to the park and relaxed. Tried to spoil myself as much as I could cause having three bad-ish days in a row was starting to burn me out. Made fried Oreos with friends. Very fun day.
Friday: Okay day. Slept in since I didn't have to be at work until 11. Was actually a little late for work. Had lunch before my meeting with some co-workers. Accidentally bumped into the curb and made myself get a flat tire. Friend asks if everything will be alright. I say yes. Dad comes to the rescue even though he had a few and teaches me how to fix a flat tire.

My mind is off in it's own world, and I'm here feeling lost without it.

Theory of opposites.

You need one thing to appreciate the other.
If you have light, but no dark, then what is so great about the light?

Nothing.

We need opposites.
Positivity. Negativity.
Light. Dark.
Sun. Rain.
Beautiful. Horrifying.


Balance and simplicity is the way to go.

Burst of emotions...

It just suddenly..... exploded.

I couldn't keep it in any longer.

You think I like him?!

He's a nice guy and all, but we're JUST friends.

The worst part to this whole thing is that he may think I like him too....

And the irony of it all?
The voice in my head is screaming, "NO YOU FOOL!!! I like you!! Yes!!! YOU DANG IT!!!"
But like usually, I'll leave my mouth shut, for the fear of commitment drives my love life.

I need to straighten this out before I feel like I'm leading him on, but how can I do that when NEITHER of you are willing to listen?

That strange feeling when you feel like you're about to cry, but you're trying your best to fight it

I have the strongest need to just talk to someone right now.

What sucks is I don't want to feel like a bother.

What sucks even more is I always always get the feeling of wanting to talk to someone in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping or busy doing this or that.


What's strange is that even though I have a good day, I have a not-so-good night.
Maybe it's because night is the time I think. Night is the time I lay everything down and think.

Sometimes thinking is your worst enemy. Other times, it is your best friend.

I really really really miss you Joel. I feel like I'm at peace whenever I talk to you... and that peaceful feeling is what I need right now. A feeling that everything will be alright. That everything will work out one way or another.

"You are the only exception..."

Sam Tsui's cover of Paramore's "The Only Exception" is playing....

And then it hit me.

When I asked you to go to the beach with me over winter break....
You said it's too cold for that, but then you added, "Sure. Why not?"

That made me smile more for a tiny bit, but now it's just hurting.
What happened between us that everything change?

The first time I met you.....

You asked for my e-mail address to send me an invite to the SJSU Math Club Google Group.
Then you asked if I needed to join for a class.
I responded yes.
You asked if it were for Sci 2.
I said yes and I hate it.
You said I can make it as long as I do all my work.

I begin to walk out and on my way out, I remembered I should ask for your name.
You said Tony and asked for mine. I told you mine and that was it.

That was how we first met.

I had a wonderful day today...

Even though nothing special happened today.
Even though I'm being attacked by red ninjas.
Even though mom seems like he's not really talking to me. (Could be my imagination)
Even though you're with someone else.
Even though I am definitely not on my "A-game" today.


I honestly did have a wonderific day today and it's the first one since what feels like forever.

p.s. Dear reader, I hope your day was good too. If not, there's tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

You can tell a lot about a person and what they say in a game

"I HATE WAITING!!!!!"
"Yeah! I like charging into things!!!"

etc etc.
He likes to act rather than use his words.
He relies on his strength.
He doesn't wait, he rushes into things.

We are more similar than different.

I tend to act rather than use my words (especially since I tend to jumble my words...)
I tend to act on impulse, but I can also wait patiently.
I do not rely on my strength unless if the situation requires me too.

Feels like one of those nights...

Where I want to spend hours on the phone talking to my best friend.

I worry that I complain too much when you come up.

I'm starting to sound whiny.

It's getting old.

I hate how I cling onto my feelings so much.

I'm sorry to all my friends who have to put up with this.

Thinking..

That I can't think straight when I am around you.
When you talk to me, I have the hardest time coming up with what to say next.
When you're around me, my mind goes blank.
When you're sitting next to me, I can't help but try to not look at you.
When you talk about seeing her, I think about punching myself in the face.

I've gone too far. Almost to the point of no return.

But.... I'm really hoping everything works out. I hope this friendship works and I don't mess everything up somehow (cause I have a way of always doing that kind of thing).

Late night phone conversations.

Me: "Next time someone asks me when I'm going to stop being a vegetarian, I'm going to ask them, 'When are you going to stop being an omnivore?!'"
Kevin: -laughs- "So uh.... when are you going to stop being a vegetarian?"
Me: "When are you going to stop talking to me?!" -laughs-
Kevin: "Uh... right now!!" -laughs-
Me: -laughs-

I heart my best friend. :)

Pet peeves

- When people throw their trash in the car and don't bother to clean it
- When people change the song and I'm the one driving. It's okay if you check it, but do not change it. You're lucky I won't kick you out of my car.
- When people don't wait for me to get out of the car after I've driven them somewhere (unless if it's home)
- When people honk their horn. Literally and metaphorically.

The list goes on.... some people just frustrate me. -____-;

The compliment that started it all.....

"Monday, Nov 23, 2009 5:11 PM
Joel, not to sound like a suck up or anything, but you are probably one of the most amazing people I know and I mean it." - From MySpace (Too lazy to look back for a screenshot)

I miss Tuesdays with you, but what can I do?
I'm all out of compliments and half the time they didn't make sense or were repetitive.

I'm hoping that you liked each and every one of them Jo-el Kanitz because I miss racking my brain, trying to think of the right words to string together to show you how amazing you are.

p.s. And it all officially started Dec 8th, 2010 with the first compliment on December 13, 2010.

Perfectly Lonely

Whenever I feel like I'm alone in this world, I remember that somewhere out there there's a person who I will be with in the future.
Someone just for me.

And that's when I feel a little better. Like I can live another day for that someone.

Mixed feelings

I have concluded that I don't like anyone.
Well.. not concluded.... more like, "I don't want to like anyone."

Still too scared of letting another in. I keep everything to myself.
Like today... it's been about what? 6 years since that incident?
Yeah. I still think about it from time to time, but then today I thought, "Why celebrate something so strange? Oh right. Turning point of my life."

Well... moving away from the subject of that "incident" and going back to him (cause everything is about him nowadays....) I feel like.... I can't be mad at you at all. Why? Because you're too much of a nice guy..... how can I be mad at someone nice?
I couldn't. Even if you hurt me, I just couldn't be mad at you. I know you didn't do any of it intentionally, so I shouldn't be mad or anything of the like.

Erk. Well at least I don't like you.... I think.... maybe that feeling is sleeping since you're with someone or something like that.... maybe because I don't want to feel sad/hurt whenever I think about you anymore.

Sleepless night....

And I have a feeling my emotions are getting out of hand.
I have no idea who I like anymore.
Obviously I am rebounding.

p.s. Thanks for taking my usual seat. It's fine though. I get to sit closer to the window now. (Although I could say it is partially my fault since I don't even bother to sit where I use to nowadays....)

Positivity.

I need to stop moping around so much.

I feel like a pain in the ass.
This act can only last so long.
I have one reason to be sad, but thousands more to be happy.
Why am I focusing so much on the sad part?

I miss the me who use to not give a whole crap about love.
I miss the me who could smile and keep her mouth shut instead of frowning and complaining too much.

I need a day off for myself.
Just me, myself, and I on the beach... relaxing.
Maybe next December... I hope that won't be too far for me to wait.
I hope I don't go insane while I wait.

ACK!!!

I feel like an idiot!!
Why does it take me so long to realize the somewhat obvious?!

You were in fact.... interested in me... even if it were just a little bit.

I know it wasn't just all in my imagination now!!
Before you use to pester me about where I work, and now you can hardly care less.
You use to call me back, now you don't.
You use to write to me on Facebook, now it's just a one-way thing.
You use text me on a weekly basis, but now you only text me about class!

THE LIST GOES ON!!!
Maybe not so much the texting thing.... and the Facebook thing.... but the ones before that.... it wasn't my imagination.

I should have said something, shouldn't I?
But all this time, I've been waiting for you to do it. I have problems with letting people in, and I get scared when I fall for someone.
Yeah. I have commitment problems. But just that once.... just for you, I was willing to let my guard down. I was willing to let you in so that you could show me that being in a relationship isn't something to fear.

Urgh. I feel like an idiot now.
I miss it when you use to text me goodnight....
And when I would check my phone when I got to school to see that you texted me back apologizing for falling asleep on me.

Maybe you didn't, and still don't, like me as much as you like her....

I'll try my best not to.
But I'm still wondering how I will know whether or not the love I see is the right one....

I lack sense when I think of you.

I lack even more sense when I try to talk to you.

Also,

I'm trying my best to understand, but I still don't get how we changed from talking everyday of the week to hardly talking ever.

Maybe I was just imagining everything that was between us.

I feel like I'm doing better now that I've accepted the fact that you're with someone who makes you smile, but there are just those moments where I just simply wish it was me with you.

You're too kind to me.
I don't deserve it.
Especially after all the mean things I thought about saying to you.

But sometimes, you get me so.... sad.

I can't stand it when you don't pay attention in class.
C'mon man. You're smarter than that. Don't do your computer science homework while Doi is lecturing.

I know we're friends and I have feelings for you and all, but you shouldn't do that.
You should pay attention. It gets boring sometimes, but I want nothing but success for you.

I know you can do this. I believe in you. Please please please just pay attention.

Lalalalala~

Too lazy to do my Physics lab that's due tomorrow, so why not write a real blog for once?
What's been going on in your life Belinda???
Well... nothing.

Everything feels like it's back to normal.

Today I took some time off and went to the park (like I usually do when I don't want to walk around school like a weirdo...)

When I got there though, there was a couple on the swing. I didn't bother going over while they were on it. Instead, I just sat and watched.... while eating Subway.
They were cute together. Instead of facing the playground, they faced the other way, towards the tree and light rail station and I guess the other half of the park...
At first they were swinging next to each other, but then the boyfriend got off and started to push his girlfriend. All cute until the guy started texting....
BUT THEN!!! The girl got off and told her boyfriend she wanted to push him (I'm guessing this of course...), so he gets on and she pushes him.
After a while, he hops off and they walk away together hand in hand (I found it cute how the girl reached for his hand instead of the other way around, but I think that's how it always is.....)
Once I finished my sub, I walked over to the swing and swung myself (dur...).
It felt a bit lonely, but doing as they did, facing the trees, made me feel happy. Like I could fly away. Pretty poetic, right? Well... there's nothing really else to add, but in that moment I was happy.... until my wallet fell out of my pocket.... and when I got off because my stomach started to feel weird.

Anyways. Here's what I thought when I was at the park:
I need to work harder if I want to graduate in 4 years with my BS/BA in Mathematics
I don't think that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that guy
I'm still not ready to date (or is it that I'm too scared to date?)
Swinging is fun
I am too scared of heights to be swinging so high
I wish someone else was there with me.
It scares me everything could have changed if I told him I liked him
He deserves to be happy
The sky still looks weird when you're swinging and looking up
I want ice cream, but I feel too full to eat anything else
Little kids make me feel like an old fart
Will I ever be a good parent?
Do I really want to be a teacher?
What will I do after college?
How is everything going to be like in the future?
Will I ever find the one?

Yeah... I don't think everything is "back to normal" anymore. I'm love-sick and everything seems bland half the time.

I don't want to live my life going through the motions.

Edge

I feel like I'm at the edge of things. Like just the tinniest thing can push me off.
I feel like if I saw you two together again, I'd fall. Fall down and start crying uncontrollably.

But I will try my best to hold strong. I will try my best to keep a straight face even when I am tearing at the seams. I will get through this..... someday.

Someday seems too far away.

I want to get over this heartbreak right now.
I'm through trying to hold back these tears for you.
It hurts too much to even look at you now.
Just simply wishing won't even work anymore.
It feels like nothing will change.
My throat feels like it's burning.
I find it hard to sleep now.
I can't even focus on the things I love anymore.
I feel like I need something, someone to just distract from you always.
I feel like I have to be always doing something that involves my whole body moving.

I just want this whole thing to end.
I want everything between us back to the way it was before. When I hardly knew you or how you even looked or sounded.

How did I get myself in so deep?

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!

This Century + Good Charlotte + San Francisco = AMAZING NIGHT!!

Well I don't really listen to Good Charlotte anymore.... but totally stoked about This Century!

I'm hoping to go see them again, but San Francisco is too dangerous to drive in and I get motion sickness pretty easily (meaning no trains!!), so I'm still not sure if I'm going to go, but I sure hope I can!
March 25th in SF!! Get your tickets or see when they're coming to a town/city near you here:
http://bit.ly/ieeVD7

I feel empty,,,

Just those to words put together made my heart sink... and you know what's worse? Walking with you to meet her.

But I'm doing fine. I can breathe. I'm alive.
I won't cry over this. I can deal. Let me just walk and walk and walk to my hearts content because walking is better than moping around and telling myself that I am such an idiot.

At least I was taught something out of all of this....
The lesson? I should act on my feelings more quickly and not be afraid of rejection.

I was about to post a blog, but now I don't want to.

It's just that.... everything has changed between math club guy and I. He takes forever to text back, and he hardly ever replies. Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's me.

Everything feels like it's moving too fast. Like everything is changing at once, and I'm just caught in the undertow.

I don't mind the change, but it's just going too fast for me. I just want one more day where everything was normal. One more day where I could sit and talk with you without you having to go somewhere. And another day without math club guy avoiding me.

I guess it's too much to ask for now, isn't it?

Love this song, and starting to love this band. :) <3

"You told me I'd find someone new, and time after time I find my way back to you."

OH BOY!!!!

March 25th in SF!!! I hope I can go!!! :D

So happy about this...

Listen at: http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?s=48c838f0e7e5cef7266461a863054e47&t=2130332

I hate crying over the person I like.

It makes me feel like a weak little idiot who's in over their head.

I don't understand...

Why am I trying so hard to make this Christmas present extra special for you?
Why am I trying so hard to impress you when we barely just met?

All you'll say is, "Cool. Thanks! LOL"
Or something along those lines... just like you always do.

You make my heart sink. You make me want to cry. You make me want to punch myself in the face.

Also, I need to stop thinking about you in that way.

Derp

B: I'm too lazy to go [swimming]
and I don't have a car... still
M: haha
i'm sure if you ask
____ will take you
B:Nope
I'm not going to let him find out where I live
M: LOL
why not
B: Because
Then it'd be weeeeeird
M: how would it be weird?
B: I don't want him to know where I live
and my parents will ask questions
M: LoL
"whose that boy who picked you up"
"he your boyfriend"
haha
B: Haha
And other stuff like, "What about that Vietnamese guy who came over last time?"
And, "Is he Chinese?"
M: haha
B: and blahblahblah

Why'd he have to come up in our conversation? D:
(Mutual friend. Duh.)

Everytime I want to talk to you....

I tell myself not to because I know I'll just make a complete idiot of myself if I do. :)

Man I feel like crap.

This whole day my heart has been hurting for no apparent reason.
I feel like he's just a waste of my time now.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like a complete and total idiot for thinking there was something more.
I feel like everything I worked on building up is coming undone again.
I feel like I need a hug right now...

Grr... I also feel like punching myself in the face for crying over him already.
I really need to stop over thinking things.